Saturday, June 27, 2009

My week

Ok haven't posted here this week because it has been such a hard week. generally if i don;t post its for one of too reasons. 1. Life itself is too much of a chore so blogging becomes impossible or 2. I am unable to blog as locked away somewhere they say is for my own safety.

This week was number one. It's not been a good week. I have been the lowest I can remember for a long time. Depression is not pleasant. It took five days for me to change the clothes I was in that's waking and sleeping in and to get a shower. 15 minutes to brush the knots from my naturally curly hair, and despite being told we had some of the nicest weather this week I only opened my curtains once. Don't ~I sound attractive?

I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts this week, which I might have acted on if I had the motivation to. Plus I have only a very limited supply of meds they are supplying me with to avoid this temptation. So I have merely hibernated on the sofa with blanket and try sedating myself when things got too bad.

I will have had five visits from services by the end of this week. I'm not sure if i welcome this support or not. It's all very well someone telling you to go out for a coffee or have a shower or eat but if you just can't find a reason to it's all pointless game playing.

I saw my psychiatrist on friday he has upped the Quetiapine to 400mg and kept the Depakote at 1750. I am starting to get twitches in my hands not shakes but little jerks am not sure which of these pair are to blame but one I'm sure I did mention it but it was skipped over, I think as long as ~I am alive and away from high buildings they aren't too bothered.

So you see here's my predicament what do you do when you are forced to take meds which you know have thrown you into a low mood therefore making you feel crap but if you don't you will be taken to hospital where you will prob be fed the same crap, only you will also be deprived of freedom.

Crisis team are visiting me tommorow to check if the usual 3 have I ate, slept, taken meds. Another week goes by.


Abysmal Musings said...

Sending my love and a healthy dose of Just-Hang-In-There. Things will get better.

Take care, Dx

p.s. If that jug makes it through a firing over the next few months, it's yours.

trio said...

I know that feeling, getting in a shower can be so hard. I ws told go out for coffee, but I needed motivation to do it, is there someone you could meet?

Hope things start to feel better.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Begs the question, how bad does it have to get on meds before it starts getting better?

I think because of the meds you are on is more appropriate if other people who have experienced the first few months of being on them comment.

Agree with D's 'hang on in there' message but appreciate that hanging on in there (with continual depression) takes great effort.

I haven't got words of wisdom because am rather relieved that due to physical probbies I am not in the midst of suffering early stages of 'acclimatizing self to Lithium'.

Is awful really to be so scared of something that might help because of past experiences of meds but in my book exprience counts for alot.

Oh for some magic fairy dust instead of stark reality.