A lot has happened in the last week things continued to go downhill after last post. Last friday after dropping son off at nursery bought some paracetamol and went home to take them. I wrote a suicide note, but then rang my car co-ordinator who told me to come and see her to work through things to do to distract from thoughts. Unfortunately I then decided to take tablets and got to about 16 or so 4 Diazepam and a lorazepam before I decided I didn't want to die and leave my family and also felt much calmer with Benzos.
I went to the appointment with CC. CC could tell I had OD though and called ambulance and I was taken to A and E where I waited for several hours for blood tests (fine as usual). Whilst I was there CC rang and told me that she had arranged bed back on A42 of QMC which is acute psychiatric assesment ward for weekend and if I didn't agree to go then I would have a MHA assesment.
So I agreed to go. Now I don't know if it's any easier when you are a familar face on a psychiatric ward. Yes I knew where everything was and which staff to approach for certain things but there is a sense of shame that you couldn't survive on the outside and are back under their care. Plus it did nothing for the reason I was suicidal in the first place, mainly that I had no job etc and that I didn't want to be a revolving door patient and be ill for the rest of my life. The ward looked a lot more depressing and drab but I think this may have been the perspective I was viewing it from as my mood was high last time I was there and I suspect I didn't notice my surroundings as
much.
I was on the ward for three nights. I got no sleep on the ward the first night I was there they wouldn;t give me my usual meds so I couldn't sleep. The second night they insisted on shining a torch in my eyes every hour to see if I was still alive. After being woke for the third time I gave up on the sleep. And on the third night they decided to move the most disturbed and loudest patient next to me.
On Monday I got to see the consultant. He saw me in previous admissions so knows me quite well. He decided to let me go home as I had been fine over weekend. Sometimes I think I may be too inteligent for my own good . I don't mean this in boastful way. But I know how to work the system and doctors and even though I was still suicidal and spent my time on the ward thinking how I could kill myself I needed off that ward. That ward is not the place to get me better and I'm not sure it is even place of safety as there were several easy ways I could have killed myself.
Saw my CC yesterday she says we are using our time talking about negative things and she wants me to start challenging my thought patterns. She says as much as she sympathises with me and what I have gone through I need to move forward(If I could I would).She thinks I have surpressed anger. This didn't go down well I am not in the mood for CBT rubbish or psycho babble shit. Also I feel I was once more blackmailed into hospital for what I feel was not a serious overdose and I have been allowed home after taking much more. It's not that I am upset with her but the whole one size fits all approach these MH workers seem to use.
Tommorow I have the capability hearing at work in which I expect to be fired. CC thinks this it will trigger something and is worried I may end up on multi-storey car park I'm not sure there is any point in me attending when I know the outcome. I will see how I feel in the morning but attending a meeting where there will be my manager, section manager, note taker and HR rep without any benzos seems a frightening prospect.
5 comments:
Ah Lareve, just thinking about you lovely and wishing something would change for you. Take care and good luck
glad you're ok and sorry you had to go through that. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and it's sad to know how many people all over the world suffer with life. But it's also comforting to know how many understand and want to help. i hope you will feel better soon. i wouldn't go to work if you're sure they're just going to let you go anyway. You need to take care of yourself. Have you considered disability help?
Hi Lareve,
I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time on the mental-health merry-go-round.It strikes me that you do not need the additional stresses of a work-hearng and that you also need to take more time out to get yourself well. I don't want to put pressure on you either but I'm wondering if you have your ESA sorted yet? It would also be a good idea to apply for DLA. I can't really advise from a distance but from the little I know of your recent dificulties, I'm quite sure you would be eligable for both a mobility and a care component which would increase you income significantly so you wouldn't need to worry too much about earnings until you were ready to consider working again. Please look into this and contact an advice centre for assistance completing the forms (I don't mean to insult yur intelligence but it really is a good idea to get an experienced advisor on your side. They may even be able to accompany you to medicals/appeals etc which is a major asset. I saw someone loose an ESA appeal this week purely on the grounds that they managed to attend the tribunal alone and were therefore deemed 'fit' for work!!!). Also, advisors can speed up your claim and hassle the officials on your behalf.
From my own experience of bipolar, I can assure you that it gets easier to manage over time. For myself, it was a case of recognising the triggers and eliminatig them as far as possible from my life. STRESS being the main one. I have had to lower my expectations hugely and place sensible limits on what I can achieve, but in doing so have become much happier and more mindful of the moment-by-moment pleasures and satisfactions to be found in a simpler, slower-paced life. It took me until age 35 to realise that I really don't want to die and that thoughts of such, while still niggling from time to time, are like a bad case of head-lice - they come from elsewhere, they drive you insane but are ultimately destructable either with chemicals ot persistence (that was a really crap analogy. My daughter happens to have an 'infestation' right now so it straight away came to mind!)
Please go easy on yourself and put all the right cushions in place to fall back on during the tough times.
Love Kate.
eccedentesiat- Thanks for the message things are better now if not great.
KC- Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I did go to my appointment, and it was scary but got through. I am in process of applying for disability benefits.
Kate- Thank you for such a lengthy and thoughtful response. I have got ESA at the moment came through last week but I need to go to an assesment soon. My care co-ordinator is applying for DLA for me but care component only I think.
It is hard to manage this illness I try and rationalise that when I feel bad it is just temporary but even when I have good weeks I know that I will hit a dip at some point and it's the endless cycle I feel hard to deal with. I don;t want to die but want and end to this patern- at times I can't seperate the two. Hope your ok. Thanks again.
Hi Lareve
Have kept up to date on posts but due to certain things going on, thought it best not to post myself.
Hope hearing wasn't total trauma and that this week has been better (even if only a few degrees) than last week.
The storm has to be break..and there be calm. x
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