Thursday, September 3, 2009

This morning after the letter from work telling me I have meeting with section manager and HR next week and them telling me it may result in dissmissal I am on a bit of low. I can't work I am on mediocre benefits and 'i can't be a stay at home mum or even drive . Feeeling pretty crap about myself so after taking son to nursery, came back and sat around with all my meds old suicide notes and a new one I had writ. ~I called my care co-ordinator, she came round and converscated all my meds despite ten Lorazepam which ~I mananaged to quiety take and some zolpidem and few paracetamol I had taken before she arrived. She rang me a pedemedic but I didn't go with him I was ok. I just feel a bit blurred. I dont think I will sleep without my benzo later despite the 10 loraz earlier. I wish she hadn't have taken my stash and I would have deffinitiely finished foff the paracetamol at least. hope don't feel the same again tommorow.


Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

After my comment on your previous blog post, am wary of doing the Ms Strident bit. Particularly as I am up and down like a fiddler's elbow at present.

Major decisions being made for you. I can understand why your employer cannot continue to employ you. After my last (12 months) off work sick, I had enough of work and my illness as employers had of my illness but there does come the fear of what next.

Thankfully, the what next was much better for me. I had been in employment for nearly 20 years (and prior to that in other jobs) so there is no comparison in timescale but having to let go of a big part of life is scary.

There is life after work...and, for you, I think there will be life in between work. You aren't on any scrap heap yet (not from where I am sitting, typing). Do appreciate is not the same as being there.

Glad your care co-ordinator took the sound too fragile to have them so close to you.

The problem will be sleep. Are they coming back tomorrow to check on you? if so you you might well get something to help you rest then.

Hang on in there. It sounds patronising and I am so wary of talking from inside my own glass house but I want you to hang on to give yourself chance to get through this. As horrid as it is right now.


eccedentesiat said...

Lareve, I so hope you get some sleep tonight. I want you to be okay as does everyone else but then I know how hard it is being in the middle of it all and being unable to see that it could be okay, even for a minute. Take care you x

Abysmal Musings said...

Hi Lareve,

Keep safe. Keep going. Make sure your mh people know your need for sleep. (as if they should need telling)

Sorry I haven't anything better to add. Did you get my email a few days ago? Jug is wrapped in box waiting to go.

Life can only get better if it goes on.

Thinking of you, Dx