Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Reflection

16 months ago I was referred to Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Trust for postnatal depression/depression initially.

Since then I have been under the care of the Nottingham Crisis team, Stonebridge community mental Health team, back intermittently to Crisis and I am now under a specialist team called EIP- Early intervention in psychosis who are a team for people under 35 I think who are experiencing onset of psychosis for first time.

I have taken Citalopram, Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Sodium Valproate(depakote) several times, Quetiapine, Risperidone. Also Diazepam, Lorazepam, Temazepam, Clonazepam, Zopiclone, Zolpidem.

I have spent a total of eight weeks as an inpatient on a psychiatric assesment ward away from my family.

And where am I now????

I have a diagnosis. Rapid cycling Bipolar, which is preventing me from working(and I expect P45 shortly), at times from looking after my son from driving(I was told today for at least another six months). I am several thousand pounds less rich and I have alienated family and friends.

I hate it. it has stolen my life and even at the moment when mood is pretty high again I resent it bitterly. Last week I was very suicidal. Last two nights after no sleep and no quetiapine I am making imposible plans, making endless lists, dancing and look like complete opposite. thats how quick it changes. so how can I ever do more than take each day as it comes, which was ok a year ago but I need more. I don't think the NHS can help me all they can do is try and keep me alive.

So where will I be in another 16 months - Alive I hope but a fully functional stable member of society I have my doubts.

3 comments:

Polar Bear said...

The recovery process can take a long time. Sorry, no good news there. Just hang in there, and surround yourself with people who can support you.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

When you are right in the eye of a storm is difficult to the storm ending.

All I can say is that I am alot older than you, have same diagnosis and am still here. Some would not want my life and I certainly wouldn't enter a life swap programme on tv (if there were such a thing...because, as yet, they can't swap people's psyches about). I wouldn't inflict my illness on another (deliberately)..but it isn't all bad for me.

There is hope. It may take along time to get a balance that is more sustainable. It might take other things, outside of medicine (possibly in addition to), that help.

I think the medicines given to people with mental health problems often aggrevate rather than ease but maybe as things move on, meds will improve. Perhaps that is being over optimistic but it is better than thinking the meds that are produced are always going to be horrid.

And I am certainly not speaking from a 'well recovered, thank you' position. I could far too easy go back to bed for the day but I have things to do and they have to be done.

Just hope you get some relief and calm in there.

xx

differentlysane said...

Wish I had some words of comfort, but I'm not that much of a hypocrite, and I know what you mean about wanting more than to just have to take one day at a time. Hope things even themselves out for you soon.

Take care,
Differently