Thursday, November 5, 2009

A confused post.

Haven't posted here for ages, firstly because october was really good month for me and I didn't think I had anything to post about. I guess I was busy trying to get my life in order, I had sorted out some voluntary work actually helping out people who were in acute care, I went to a mental health conference. I started making plans about doing post graduate study in the next year or so and all was hunky dory.

Somehow it changed. I forgot to pick my meds up on friday and have been cold turkey since. I was doing so well so why need meds anyway?. Plus I could do without the hair loss and morning hangover. Am I making sense? I think I have had less than ten hours sleep this week. sometimes I think maybe I am asleep when I'm awake, or its just things are confusing.

There are people watching me all the time I see them though they try to disguise it. I can't leave the house they are there. I even looked for cameras in my house but realised that they wouldn't have got them past me. I think I may be part of a case study a medical experiment the Shrink, Care-Co, hospital staff, gp- I think they all know and I can't trust them.

I just want to sleep - I trawled the net for prescription pills to buy - taking 2 zolpidem and 2 temazepam doesn't work. My head feels like one of those spinning tops the ones where you pressed down on to spin. but it never comes to a stop to rest.

And it's November how did that one creep up on me. Damn 2009 it has brought me hell. I am so tired, mentally and physically. I don't know my next move. You let these people into your lives and they take hold of it and they try and break you and they have an agenda - always and I don;t want to play their games. I am not some crash test dummy. I am not some number on a chart some line on a graph. I will never be free from their clutch.

Everything is loud at the moment. clocks ticking, the fridge humming, I can even hear the light bulbs. I just want to go somewhere I'm not watched somewhere I can come out from under my blanket, but they wouldn't allow that. This is no way to live. I see thing sometimes out of the corner of my eyes or I hear wasps in the house in November? but when I look they are gone and I know perhaps, well most likely they were never there and that's scary.

If you have read this I apologise for it's confusing nature it has taken me over an hour to re-write it semi-coherent and is as much a note for me of my current mental state then worthwile reading for others. La-reve x


David said...

Your writing is fine, my dear. I promise you they're not watching you. I get the same thing here. I find a deep breath or the 'v's in their direction helps.

You will be free from the doctors one day - we all will. It just takes time to work out how to keep safe to their satisfaction (spits). You'll manage it, I'm sure you will.

As for fridges etc... don't get me started! I don't know how Beethoven wrote music without a fridge to listen to.

Our house is full of flies at the moment. Keep swatting them, but they keep coming back. It's the warm October we've had. I think they've all bred and they are nimble young ones.

Anyway, you take care. You know you can bend my ear anytime.

Look after yourself, and hope you've got some sleep. Dx

eccedentesiat said...

Sleep. Eat. Sit for a moment and breathe lovely. I want to make you a cuppa and cake before setting off to fix all the wrongs about this month.
Look after yourself. Maybe pick up your meds again. Take care x