Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Not a new year.

I haven't posted for while because I have been stuck in a dark place. No body wants to hear my whining, I don't want to hear my whining. Christmas has been hard. So many people around, having to pretend, pretend everything is fine. I'M CURED. It is tiring. I AM TIRED.

Last year on the 30th December I tried to take 120 paracetamol but was stopped by my boyfriend after about 30 odd I think. Tommorow it's the 30th again. I haver been thinking about that a lot. What if he hadn't have caught me. I could have avoided the last year...........

this year I have spent around ten weeks in hospital. Nearly a fifth of the year. 4 admissions. I have been arrested 3 times under the Mental Health Act. I have spent about 18 hours in police custody, locked away like a criminal. I have had 6 Mental Health Act assesments. I have been invincable, excitable, euphoric and worthless, evil and a nonentity. I have been on top of the world and I have been in darkest depths. I have been everything and nothing.

It could have all been avoided all the hurt, the shame, the guilt the upset. All erased. A cruel hand of fate that sent my boyfriend to check on me for the first time ever.

I have them again those perfect white, innocent friends. sitting in their packets. Whispering to me of their salvation. to avoid another 2009.


Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Wanted to let you know am still about. Rarely on blogland but contactable by phone or email


Polar Bear said...

Paracetamol is not a good drug to end it with. It damages the liver and other internal organs but does not necessarily kill you immediatelty. Please do take care of yourself.