Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Not a new year.

I haven't posted for while because I have been stuck in a dark place. No body wants to hear my whining, I don't want to hear my whining. Christmas has been hard. So many people around, having to pretend, pretend everything is fine. I'M CURED. It is tiring. I AM TIRED.

Last year on the 30th December I tried to take 120 paracetamol but was stopped by my boyfriend after about 30 odd I think. Tommorow it's the 30th again. I haver been thinking about that a lot. What if he hadn't have caught me. I could have avoided the last year...........

this year I have spent around ten weeks in hospital. Nearly a fifth of the year. 4 admissions. I have been arrested 3 times under the Mental Health Act. I have spent about 18 hours in police custody, locked away like a criminal. I have had 6 Mental Health Act assesments. I have been invincable, excitable, euphoric and worthless, evil and a nonentity. I have been on top of the world and I have been in darkest depths. I have been everything and nothing.

It could have all been avoided all the hurt, the shame, the guilt the upset. All erased. A cruel hand of fate that sent my boyfriend to check on me for the first time ever.

I have them again those perfect white, innocent friends. sitting in their packets. Whispering to me of their salvation. to avoid another 2009.

2 comments:

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Wanted to let you know am still about. Rarely on blogland but contactable by phone or email

xxx

Polar Bear said...

Paracetamol is not a good drug to end it with. It damages the liver and other internal organs but does not necessarily kill you immediatelty. Please do take care of yourself.