Thursday, January 7, 2010

Happier New Year.

Well I made it to 2010. And I'm Happy about it. I don't expect everything to be all better now. Passing of time is not a miracle cure but time can heal some wounds etc,etc. I'm actually really positive about this year. It's got to better than the last one, as I'm not sure how it could be worse.

I didn't see the old year off in particularly good fashion. I have been low for a while now and am only just starting to come out of it. On 30th to follow identical suit to that day in 2008. I overdosed. I made the mistake of telling CC and she overeacted somewhat. She called me an ambulance which I refused to get in to. And then because I refused to go get checked for paracetamol levels. I had taken 40 odd. She threatened all sorts including MHA assesment and hospital. I then back tracked and denied it all but not sure I was fooling anyone. I didn't go hospital, I was fine and got a visit from crisis last weekend instead. It was ok it was T who is the nicest worker I've met from there.

Anyway I have decided not to make resolutions this year, I made 82 last year and managed about 4. This did nothing for my self esteem and fear of failure. Instead I have decided to try and be kinder to myself. And ideally what I would like is to see services less than the once or twice weekly I see them now.

I feel like something has changed. I'm not sure what. But I trully believe things can and will get better. Not a cure, not perfect, but better. The quote I have for my blog about an invincable summer, actually means something for the first time. No matter how hard and cruel the winter, there is inside me an 'invincable summer.' It will not be beaten down. It will not be hidden away, it will shine out, and carry me through. 2010 is going to be the year I rediscover myself, the year I bring it back. I'm a little scared about saying that, as I know I have said this before. But if you can't be positive at the beginning of a new year, then when can you be.

So I'm wishing you all a Happier New year. Not a Happy new year as that is too subjective and can be an imposible milestone but Happier. It's what we all deserve. !!

Edit: Tommorow I make 28. older and hopefully wiser.

4 comments:

Differently Sane said...

Sorry to hear about the OD, in an incredibly hypocritical way can I say you should get yourself checked out, since damage may have been done which you are unaware of. Still I can't really blame you for refusing.

I'm glad that you are feeling more positive. And wishing you a happier new year too.

Take care,
Differently

David said...

Happy New Year my dear - those words about "not a cure, but get better" are so very true. And your 'invincible summer' quote helped me through some bad times last year, as you know. I have faith in that statement - or it's a mantra, or something. But it's a fighter's statement.

I'd second Diff in getting checked over. I used to avoid the doctor even if I was really poorly (physically) - these days I'm exercising my rights to at least attempt health!

Love the new look to the blog too - really warm.

Take care, and here's to a good 2010, Dx

Jessica said...

Hi La-reve,

I'm glad that you are feeling ok. I love the quote and the sunflowers, I love sunflowers =) Please keep the summer in you for as long as you can, you can do it and I will hang on with you.

Happy 28th Birthday! I hope you have a great day and many joy and happiness in the years to come. And peace & calm too!

eccedentesiat said...

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday...both belated but the thought most definitely counts :)

On the OD front, I went so many times without getting any medical attention. I'm just thinking that if you're not ill now, yu probably won't be from the paracetamol. The liver is an amazing thing and it's obviously still working, just don't hurt it again missy!

Take care, love and stuff xx