Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Moods and memories

No news from appeal for ESA yet. Does anyone know a timescale for these things. Feel like its hanging ovr me. Am trying to push to back of mind- but keeps resurfacing. Also I had hoped for the extra 20 quid had I been accepted and if I go to appeal wil have to wait fo months. Yes it gets backdated but I need money now.

Mood is all over the place at mo. Cycling particularly quickly. Last time like this was around time I spent in hospital. As mentioned before bad time of year. Changing of seasons gets me. That's not to say I am not looking forward to spring. I am. But I take badly to anniverarys and March 19th was my first hospital admission last year and is approaching.

Then its soon to be mothers day which brings back bad memories. Last year I spent mother's day. My second ever in ward A43/A42 of Queens medical centre. It was one of the most miserable days of my life. My son was 20 months old. I had to beg for three hours escorted leave off ward so I could see him as children not allowed on psychiatric wards (for obvious reasons). Thing was 20 months is a funny age for babies. I had been away from him for a week , and in his head he must have seen this as abandonment. We went for a walk and to pub for lunch. Only my baby wouldn't look at me. He screamed when I picked him up, he didn't want anything to do with me. Just cried like I was a stranger. Me on mother's day on the poxy three hour leave didn't get to hold my son who I had bitterly missed for seven days. I can't explain how much this hurt. Nor could I see my own mum, give her the flowers tell her how she is appreciated, over phone is not as good.

I remember the walk back to the ward, I couldn't take the flowers my partner had bought me as no where to put them in water, no glass etc allowed. They had shrivelled and died six weeks later when I got home, still standing in a pint glass. I said goodbye and the door slammed locked behind me. I have always been a private person but how I cried, big streams of tears quitely in the corner of the sitting area, face plastered against the cool glass. that was until a nurse came to tell me I was distressing other patients and could I cry on my own bed. Smothered on a cold hospital bed head in pillow is all I remember of that evening. Mother's day. My 2nd. My worst(I hope).

They took a lot from me when they sent me to that place. Promising I could come and go when I pleased. When in reality I wasn't allowed to leave the ward for a week and door was always locked and monitored. They took away my liberty, my control (which to me is a big thing). They took away my dignity- when they exposed me to other patients in order to give me supposed needed Depot injections. They certainly took away my self esteem when like a child I had to ask and be told when to eat, get up, sleep,bathe, see sky. But of all these things the worse by far is that they stole mothers day from me. Not just that one but all future ones which spawn that memory. I find that bitterly unforgiveable.


David said...

I shouldn't have read this just before bed. Just want to say LaReve though that your writing is damned moving.

Keep going! Not long now til the damned Spring! Spring is lovely, but so dangerous - the switch when it comes (for me) can be too fast. We'll all manage it this year eh?

take care, Dx

La-reve said...

Thanks D
Roll on spring and hopefully a safe and quiet switch. I am stronger this time. I THINK. x

Bippidee said...

That was very moving. I am sorry you had to go through that. x

differentlysane said...

That was a horrible thing to go through.

Hopefully this year's mother's day will be much, much better and will give you many happy memories to cherish, which even if they don't erase those of last years (if only such things could be done), then at least alleviates some of the pain.

Take care,

thesunshinediaries said...

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I sincerely hope this year is a LOT better for you. Take care x

Jessica said...

I understand. March for me is not a good month. My admission 9 years ago was in March and every year I will have something.. fear hanging over me as the month comes closer. :(

Anyway, I will try to remain positive and let's hang in there together!

The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive said...

God, it is not fair you are going through this. I fucking hate the ESA for doing this to people.