Thursday, June 17, 2010

Pretending

Pretending - thats how its been . Pretending to avoid the hell that is hospital. Preteding to satisfy those around me that I am no longer a risk. I even thought if I pretended long enough that I wasn't depressed anymore then I wouldn't be. But it doesn't work like that. Inside I am still so shattered, so broken and hopeless, that I think these pieces will never fit together again.

To whoever reads my blog here and passed it to my Shrink. I don't really know what to say. Thanks- I guess you did it in the best intention. However. You have lost me the one place where I could trully be me and say what I wanted without reprisal. You saved my life perhaps but it was a life that has no quality or purpose. Sorry- I didn't want saving.'

I have been very closely monitored this week. Unable to carry out my plan. I am relieved it didn't end in hospital as it came close. But I am deeply frustrated and resentful that actions were taken. There is a part of me that wants to live, but it is an ever diminishing small part.

I had my blood tests for Lithium today. I didn't want to, didn't want to leave the house. I had bought rope and wanted to be left on own. But I was told that unless I wanted that MHA assesment I had to come in. I took 4 Clonazepam in the end.just to get out. Went in got tests. I was honest about the rope. She said she needed to do the assesment. But after the blood test decided I would be safe enough. with support tomorrow and crisis over the weekend.

I just want an end to all this. But I have told myself I will let my husband enjoy father's day first. If I can get that far.

4 comments:

D said...

lareve, it was probably me, not entirely sure though ,but i didn't copy in your shrink or even your Trust but let me say something in defence of my actions as the bad samaritan.

firstly i did act . for what it's worth ,i'm also battling with severe depression and constantly wracked by suicidal ideation as well and fully realize that , as hume put it , 'no man ever threw away life while it was worth keeping' , meaning i totally understand that everyone has a right to take their own life when they've had enough but that doesn't compel me as a human being to just walk by someone who says that they are planning to commit suicide without making some effort if i think they mean it to prevent them going through with it just in case it is the negativity of depression and spiralling out of control material circumstances , debt or fear of the ward , say, rather than any clear , logical and deeply held opposition to being that's causing them to view their life as not worth living.

guess i also factored in that you had got married recently , at least i think i read that you had , my brain is krank too, and that suggested a mood swing as i have known a number of people who were bi-polar or just totally depressed who killed themselves who probably wouldn't have done if they'd got a bit more help and attention. a lot of other mental health patients i know also find it impossible to get much practical help from services.i'm one of them, and thought maybe you were too.

the violation of your anonymity , the real biggie and betrayal for you, was probably a result of my actions, i can't say for sure but if it was i'm genuinely sorry, that obviously wasn't my intention. rightly or wrongly, i acted because i genuinely thought you needed help and i obviously cant undo what i did.

but maybe someone else who actually knows you personally - i obviously dont - contacted your team. that's possible too as you are linked to a lot of other mental health blogs and your blog and posts aren't password protected or private .yes, they are anonymous, and still are beyond your team i guess but you are publishing your private thoughts in the public domain . that's how i came to read and act on them.

the point is , people will sometimes take action if they suspect someone else is really struggling, this happens all the time if we see someone genuinely physically struggling to do something we think they are unable or unlikely to manage on their own, from handing people something they aren't tall enough to reach to helping pensioners across the road through to calling an ambulance for someone who seems badly injured. we've all done that i guess.

I'd like mental health to be a bit more like that, more people willing to practically help out, but quite often even the professionals paid to provide services aren't prepared to help.
that makes it difficult to ask for help too and like you and other patients i know, i'd find it very difficult to accept ward or rigid institutional help now because my experiences of services have been so fucking awful and maybe your shrink and team should question why mental health patients should fear the ward more than suicide sometimes as that seems to me to be a barrier, and a rational rather than purely delusional one if people have been attacked on wards, to accepting help for you and information they can act upon to maybe help convince you that your life is worth keeping because, you know, it probably is.

but again, i'm truly sorry that i compromised you and whatever i say , if it definitely was my action that drew attention to your blog ,i simply acted to get you urgent help because it looked like you were in urgent need of it. should i have asked first? on reflection probably but i dont talk to many people online or off, and taking action just seemed more neccesary , practical and easier.

Sairs said...

I'm glad you're here *hugs*

David said...

Dear La Reve, life is too precious to constrain with plans, either for good or ill. Go with the flow, keep swimming as best as you can, and sooner or later you'll reach some sunny calm water. I'm glad you're still keeping going, and hope you'll keep on going. Take care my dear, Dx

intothesystem said...

Sorry to hear things are so hard. I didn't have my blog passed on by someone I knew in real life either. Someone from my CMHT recognised where I was from and realised I must have been one of their patients. They passed it onto the team leader, who quickly realised it was me. Maybe something similar has happened to you?

Take care x