Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'm Scared

I'm 'SCARED' it's a funny word a word that get weirder if you constanty repeat it but for me it's weird because it's a word I would never use a word of weakness a word I would never admit to.

This post is little of nothing, but may help if found later or such and like.

I am scared, Scared of myself, Scared of feeling this way- scared of never feeling this way. Scared of the thoughts scared of being scared. scared of weakness..of seeking help...scared of being sectioned ..scared of hospitals...scared that I am right ..there is no help. I am scared of just being............SCARED.

The constant battle is reaching conclusion. The pathetic me and the fantastical. the only way to save me is to kill one. The only way to kill one is to kill me, or attempt to. So to the highest highs. and if I come out other end I will have it all, I will or could never be scared - I will be - IT.


If not I won't be all. But I also will be at peace - no more contradicitions.

and either way no more SCARED - win/win really.


NOS said...

(((La Reve)))

I'm not sure what to say. I'm really concerned. I want you to stay safe. It's clear that you're not in a great space right now. Maybe you could call someone that can make you less afraid of yourself?


Ruby Tuesday said...

I can relate to this post so much. Being scared is exhausting and nasty. I hope you can get through this x

Crazy Nurse said...

Please stay safe.

Its not a win/win situation at all, its a complete and utter worst case scenario.

Is there anyone you can talk to?


David said...

Take care dear - you'll get through this bad time - you've had the strength to do it before. You've got my number, phone if it helps.

Look after yourself, Dx

La-reve said...

Why would I want to talk to someone?
they could never understand. I trully think I will make that jump. No more fear no more 'head noise' I cantt lose.

David said...

La-reve dear, don't do it. Just sit tight and wait for the morning. Is there anyone about in the house?

La-reve said...

I don't plan on doing anything now would defeat purpose need spectators. hubby and boy upstairs. I would go drive but know would prob end in AnE I not slept since fri- took my 15 pills but not sure why....

David said...

Well, not doing anything for now is a good start. Just wait and see how you are in the morning - fingers crossed you'll not feel so bad, and if you do, get help - killing yourself isn't going to achieve anything apart from some instant peace for you, which may be all that seems to matter at the moment (and I've been there), but days afterwards when the matter has been avoided the self-horror I've felt has proved that I was deluded at the time.

So wait for it to go away, again. You'll not regret it in the end.

Keep strong and keep above all safe, you hear?

emailing you my number again in case you've lost it.


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