Monday, September 27, 2010

Police chases, crisis team and Bipolar battles

Bipolar 111111111111 La Reve 0

Ok I have missed out a lot of wht has been happening for me last few months on this blog because of several reasons I find it hard to blog.

I am not very well at moment. I am finding it extremely difficult to concentrate and it has taken me hours to compose this post I am in the process of changing teams as current team have dischrged me for being 'difficult' I have new consultantI have started uni and I am stressed and not sleeping.

I haven't slept properly for couple of weeks - I haven't slept at all for about 50 hours. I am NOT TIRED I am confused.

I have too many thought and I can't unjumble them or put them in order they physically hurt me like my head is a pressure cooker.

So last night to try dn escape this I went for drive about 2.00am ish I went to airport but didn't have passport SO I went to the river. I had enough I wanted to die but I also knew I couldn't die I was invincible The water was still - I could walk on it across its stillness I couldn't take this paradox. I was scared and frantic and so I rng crisis I talked to lady who said I sounded manic. but mania wasn;t ike this I enjoy mania this is confused mood hell.

She told me I needed to see doctor at hospital I said rather be dead than hospital. I hung up Anyway next thing police car came. I drove off and hid on residential street they kept ringing,ringing ringing ringing 5 cars came in end boxed me in took car off me put me in police car and took me to A&E.

I waited hour there with security guard.

Saw crisis who were ok. Very concerned I am in mixed state I am vulnerable Wanted me to go hospital but not detainable so refused. Got me taxi at 5am went home.

I am all over place but current team discharging me and dont have a CC until 7th october. So someone from crisis coming to see me tommorow at 10am They want me to be honest they want me to be better but getting worse.

I'm not even sure my diagnosis is right. I think it isnt illness just a gift I've been given powers I don't want and I had planned to die tommorow I don't even make sense - why is this taking so long??


Anonymous said...

La Reve, I'm sorry you're in this state. It sounds really unpleasant. I hope things turn around soon. Please stay safe, okay?

Wishing you well,

David said...

Thinking of you La Reve - keep safe - hope it passes soon. dx

Differently Sane said...

{{{hugs}}} sounds such an eventful time. I hope this nasty mixed state ends for you soon.

Take care,

Anonymous said...

That sounds very dramatic and traumatic. Your twitter says crisis team were semi helpful, which is something, but I am worried you still haven't had any sleep.

Stay Safe