Friday, October 22, 2010

More Drama- and defective cogs

Well thought I would touch base with blog

Where to start so much has happened.

I have continued to see my my new Shrink a Bipolar specialist who re-diagnosed me with Bipolar 1 Rapid cycling. I have been taking large doses of both Lithium and Valproate along with clonazepam for anxiety.

Thing is I am finding it very difficult to concentrate and retain information. I think this is the meds. Therefore I am forgetting to take meds a lot which isn't ideal. Prof(shrink). knows about this and has advised me to do all I can to take them. Thing is he didn't lecture me , he is an excellent shrink who understands me and my moods better than anyone else ever has, I am lucky. (That is where the positive ends)

I am depressed. I can't see a reason to be here. I have nothing worthwile to give to the world. My new Shrink is great but all he has is meds not a magic wand, meds that seem to do little to give me equilibrium. I am a defective cog in the wheel of life.

Understand that for me its up or down no middle. I don't remember a day I felt ok. Not great, high fantastic but normal ok. I felt this way for week or so and then spending cuts come out and that ESA group is the one I am in. I have been on ESA for year now so I have to find a job?? I couldn't even do my course?? Who wants to employ someone too unstable for life or a hobby let alone a job.

So I took myself off to bridge on wednesday and I really wanted to die. I kissed my son, wrote my letters crept out at 2am and sat looking at water. I couldn't think of a reason. I wanted to live, I think, but needed one reason. I rang crisis for a reason and has some meaningless conversation.Line cut off. I got out of car and switched off engine. Anyway two police cars came. I got in car. Policewoamn was really nice told me I could either be escorted home or hospital. I chose home. They had at this stage also had police wake husaband up and were at my home - at about 3am-ish. They followed me home. waited for me to get out of car and then police said, right we want to put you on a S.136 of Mental Health Act for assesment with view to detention. I was panicing. I asked if I could say bye to husband as just outside house. They said no, but at that point he opened door an I jumped past them into house. Meaning no arrest as S.136 only applies to public places.
They waited outside house for while to catch me but I stayed home they then came back warned me to stay at home tonight and left.

Thing is I still can't find that reason. I have a new CC now, 3 weeks ago. I have only met her to pass me meds on tuesday. Yesterday was awful. I decided to ring her for support. She knew nothing of events. I told her, she said oh and she would see me as arraged in two weeks if I could come down there. So I have no support there. And I'm not sure what these people can do for me anymore. although for the crisis team to send police and insist I be arrested for assesment and I would have jumped. And then for there to be no follow up asesment/support for me -either in person or phone is inconsistent.

Put short there is little resources to go around both in mental health services and with regard to national spending. Why should I who has little to give back and ongoing needs be entitled/deserving of anything. I don't. I either accept my lot or quit the race.


Sairs said...

I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. I had this same thing on Monday just gone and ended up admitted for three days. I do feel better now as they upped my meds but I feel for you with nothing working. I am lucky I do get middle ground, instead of just either high or low. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you!

La-reve said...

Thank Sarah,
For coming here and for commenting - means a lot and I am clinging on tentively for now. No rash decisions.
LR x

Lucida said...

La Reve - I understand exactly what you're going through too. i felt like you did, worthless, a parasite a couple of weeks ago and couldn't think of a reason to be here at all. it passed and I felt very quickly very good and energised, perhaps a little bit high but sufficient and not too excessive to realise I was a worthwhile human-being after all, despite being on benefits etc.etc.
I've been very luscky in that eventually my meds levelled things out so i have long periods of 'middle-ground'. It took around 6 months however and felt pointless at first. I'm not a drug peddler by any means but I think it's worth persevering for a time and holding out some hope that they could eventually help to at least prevent the ultra rapid-cycling you are experiencing now.
Re. the ESA. It's appalling I know and I have no helpful answers at the moment. The rules are that if you are kicked-off and your condition worsens within the 6 month period they otherwise allow for a reapplication, you are entitled to claim again. If your switch over is due now, I think you would qualify for this. But I understand how desperate it's making you feel. I got my 6 months review forms after having only got the decision in June and I haven't been able to look at them, let alone fill them in without feeling ill. I was lucky, in so far as I had another advice-worker to go through it all with me, but at times I have momentarily felt I would rather die than go through that medical again, so I understand how traumatic it would be for you to have to suffer reassessment. Please get someone to help you if/when it comes to that.
The lack of support you describe makes me mad. It's seems that you either get people interfering in ways that you don't want or need or nothing whatsoever. I don't know what to suggest, I really don't. At least I have someone close who understands these feelings and is of far more use than any crisis team or CC. I'm not making assumptions that you don't although i guess it sounded like that.
Anyway, I've probably written a longer comment than your post and i know it's no help at all. i just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and if there's anything I can do to help then you know you can get in touch... xx

Lucida said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lucida said...

P.S - I only removed last comment because I'd done something that duplicated all the above!!! Sorry to make a mess on your blog ;-) xx

La-reve said...

Hi Lucida
Thanks for comment. I could reapply, I perhaps should never have been in support group in first place but these are all coulds and shoulds which mean nothing when you dont have will to fight these poeple and nothing changes.

I don't really have anyone who understands. That is not an incorrect assmptions. I have people but people who dont seem to care or avoid the situation. I guess I am had person to have around or in their lives.

My mum did try on friday to ring CC to get some support for me. nothing amounted to anything. I think they know nothing can help me so waste of resourcs we are all waiting for the inevitable end.

People bring things to the world, they help people like you at bureau and some well. I guess I used to and now I am like a racing horse whose broke its legs and well we know what they do with those.

La reve x

Lucida said...

You certainly SHOULD be in the support group, which is why I'd urge you to reapply. If someone like me who has been comparatively well for over 6 months gets put in it, then i can't comprehend why you haven't. It's complete pot-luck but I think what may have swung it for me was having recently been put on new meds and still having side effects like memory loss etc. (which haven't really gone) and it sounds to me that you have simular - let alone all the intervention you've had to put up with recently. I imagine I will get kicked-off soon as I'm not the sort to fib or act-up in medicals since I have been better, but I fear that the pressure and bullying on JSA could trigger getting worse again. That's why i absoulutely insist you get some help and reapply if they kick you off too.
I'm sorry you don't have good support. That really sucks as I didn't get much understanding from my family for years and now I have met someone with simular, i have been much much better. But one can never just go out and find this kind of thing like one can get pills.
You are not a waste of resources, you are just ill right now. I would like to be able to reassure you that it can and will get better over time as you learn to manage things and find ways of channeling the moods, for want of a better phrase, not to mention just getting older in itself, but i know that's no use at the moment.
Just hang in there and know that there are many people who do actually care and value you no matter how crappy you feel at the moment. xx

La-reve said...

Thanks. Yh I meant maybe I should have been in support group **
Your comments have been gratefully received x

Anonymous said...

I can relate to so much you have said here La-reve. I'm depressed too. I contemplate suicide daily. I'm so sorry you're going through what you are going through. I think I know how awful it is.

I'm glad you didn't jump off that bridge. And it sounds like you reached out for help which is good, even if the line did get cut off. Sometimes hanging on is all we can do.

Take care of yourself, okay? And please know that I genuinely care.

Wishing you well,

S said...

I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you.