Saturday, October 30, 2010

Putting your faith in 21 little pills

So I had another low week


Things got pretty bad. I was feelin low on tuesday, I had tried to contact CC on 4 occasions, left message no response.So I went to collect my thoughts by the river at 2am ish(weds morn). I was suicidal, but wasnt planning on killing myself I knew that would take much more careful planning to ensure accurate completion. And I didn't have the necessary equiptment. However, I was distressed and realised that I needed help, so I rang a friend who was helpful but concerned and a long way away. She suggested- Crisis team, so I rang - Well done me hey, now I would get some help...

No not likely... the lady that answered took my name and then said. Oh its you I spoke with you 5 weeks ago when you were brought to AnE by the police. I said oh. I explained to her that although I wasn't imminently suicidal thoughts were strong and I had a plan which in my mind would be carried out once I decided on a date. She just said yes, yes, you told me that last time, you always seem to say these things.(last time I was high so find this hard to beieve) Do you know how you sound, do you realise how unfair it is to put this on me. I said 'I'm sorry I don't know what I'm being accused of' I was getting quite distressed she then said I souldn't keep saying I'm suicidal because one day I will be and no-one will believe me and I will be dead. I was told off for keep ringing I have rang 5 times in 2 years

I then explained to her, that I don't seem to be having any contact with CC and she is not responding to my calls, and my mum had rang with concerns about me and crisis had contacted her last time and still nothing. I told her I was sorry but I thought I was supposed to ring for support. She said it wasn't appropriate to ring so late. She did then try and help me by suggesting a bath at 2am?? and milky drink.

So I went home and I took...some clonazepam and got on with things and took more clonaz..... and then things got too much so I told my mum what had happened

My mum rang CC and spoke to her, she said that she doesn't do home visits and that I can ring her as its easier (even though I can't get hold of her and only have office number). So my mum rang crisis team and then duty worker at CMHT. I still had no contact from anyone. At 3.30pm CC rings has chat with me apparently she won't visit people as it's invading their space. She said she can offer me a fortnightly slot at CMHT but cant really do anything inbetween. I don't know.

On thursday I saw the Professor. He continued to be understanding I was honest with him. He said that he doesn't know if I can survive this period. He said most Bipolar suicides are within 3 years of diagnosis and I fit personality type. I appreciate that honesty but it just reaffirms my view. He agreed services have been poor but nothing he can do. He gave me a prescription for Quetiapine. Which supposed to help the depression. But I can't tolerate Quetiapine very well. And well I hate all meds. With thee Quetiapine that will be 21 pills a day. 6 lithium, 8 Valproate, 2-4 clonaz, 1 zolpidem and 2 quetiapine. I haven't disensed prescription

In short all they have is pills, pills, pills

I like my Plan better.

9 comments:

simpleharmonicmuddle said...

Crisis teams: uniformly useless.

It sucks that there is so little help around.

Mandy said...

Not sure there is anything I can say that will make you feel remotely okayish.

Know when I feel that shit I have to sedate more. It's catch 22 Lareve.

Turning to service in crisis....whatever crisis support is supposed to be in place doesn't quite work out how we need it to..as in being there at the time and ..wait for it cos I am going to blaspheme here...be empathetic. A bridge too far for the 'just ignore them and hope they go away' ethos, MH services seem to be practising across the board.

So there's more than a fair few of us self-medicating. Bad puppies that we are but, just WTF else is there?

Okay so you can do the A&E, see crisis team there, possibly (depends on nurse on duty) go into acute care but that isn't 'hope rekindled' (not for those of us who have experienced acute care in mixed wards..as in mixes of extremely violent patients, addicts on detox and those who are suicidal).

Before someone barks at me about addicts needing detox. Too right they do but acute units are not the best place for them or other patients.

So when you or I hit crisis (as seems to be the case alot this year)...what we really need just isn't there.

So I go back to your post title 'Putting your faith in 21 pills'. I don't exactly put my faith in my benzos but they work (better than anything else I have taken) for as long as they work and then I have to take more.

Not advocating people doing anything...just saying that in the absence of 'proper support mechanisms' provided by people who genuinely care...self medication is as good as it gets.

Not very optimistic but I am not going to bullshit you.

Maybe something inside will click for you. It does sometimes for me. Enough to rally through another 3-4 days without constant heebies.

But this rollercoaster rolls mainly downwards and that is a fact of my life.

I read somewhere that there comes a point where some bipolars just get used to it and that makes it better for them. I am 47 and you'd think I'd be used to it now. I just find it bloody exhausting. x

Mandy said...

Not sure there is anything I can say that will make you feel remotely okayish.

Know when I feel that shit I have to sedate more. It's catch 22 Lareve.

Turning to service in crisis....whatever crisis support is supposed to be in place doesn't quite work out how we need it to..as in being there at the time and ..wait for it cos I am going to blaspheme here...be empathetic. A bridge too far for the 'just ignore them and hope they go away' ethos, MH services seem to be practising across the board.

So there's more than a fair few of us self-medicating. Bad puppies that we are but, just WTF else is there?

Okay so you can do the A&E, see crisis team there, possibly (depends on nurse on duty) go into acute care but that isn't 'hope rekindled' (not for those of us who have experienced acute care in mixed wards..as in mixes of extremely violent patients, addicts on detox and those who are suicidal).

Before someone barks at me about addicts needing detox. Too right they do but acute units are not the best place for them or other patients.

So when you or I hit crisis (as seems to be the case alot this year)...what we really need just isn't there.

So I go back to your post title 'Putting your faith in 21 pills'. I don't exactly put my faith in my benzos but they work (better than anything else I have taken) for as long as they work and then I have to take more.

Not advocating people doing anything...just saying that in the absence of 'proper support mechanisms' provided by people who genuinely care...self medication is as good as it gets.

Not very optimistic but I am not going to bullshit you.

Maybe something inside will click for you. It does sometimes for me. Enough to rally through another 3-4 days without constant heebies.

But this rollercoaster rolls mainly downwards and that is a fact of my life.

I read somewhere that there comes a point where some bipolars just get used to it and that makes it better for them. I am 47 and you'd think I'd be used to it now. I just find it bloody exhausting. x

Mandy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mandy said...

Sorry Lareve,

Something went awol and it kept posting same thing over.

I tried to delete excess but it won't allow me to do it. :<(

Lucida said...

There's not alot I can say either LaReve - just that I'm thinking of you and hoping something eases soon. x

NOS said...

I'm disgusted by what that lady at the Crisis Team said to you. How the hell does she keep her job? You did not deserve to be spoken to like that. I'm sorry.

I really hope things improve, La-Reve. I'm rooting for you.

Wishing you well,
NOS

David said...

Keep going keep going - I get bored with hearing myself say that to myself. But what alternative is there? Tomorrow is always different - and like Heinz, we have 57 varieties of shit to deal with, so at least it's never dull.

Take care my dear, and (sigh) just keep going. We're all behind you.

Dx

Seaneen said...

Jesus christ. This is disgraceful. Please try and keep safe. But fuck- I am furious on your behalf.