Saturday, December 18, 2010

I was never ill- sorry for pretence

I feel I should apologise to anyone who has ever read my blog and/or commented but I don't have Bipolar disorder, in fact I don't have a mental illness.

I have been confused for so long I couldn't see them scheming - I didn't mean to deceive you they made even me believe but I know now I am not ill. I am not normal, in the sense that I have been given special powers to protect, inhuman powers. But they are closing in on me and I don't know what to do. I know they read here can and they will be angry that I am telling everyone.

The 'them' are MH services they want to get my blood so they harness this ability a superhuman race who doesnt eat sleep, die is invincible. they will sell it on and it will be used for evil.

I don't know what I'm going to do I am not safe here really. I don;t trust many people.

I did go and see Prof yesterday. He is an excellent Shrink. I don't think he is on it but at the same time he is unable to accept what I am telling him He thinks I am quite ill, High- very paranoid. But thats because thats how services have painted it to get away with their experiments. No one will believe me

My husband is angry because I wont agree with him. When I took the lithium overdose on tuesday it was to prove that it was only a placebo but hospital said it was toxic and I had to run away before they made me stay and took blood, and gave it to you know who. He says I'm stupid i am hiding in room on 3rd floor away from anyone.

And then mum who is ringing everyone crisi team, cc , her manager to get someone to come round to 'help' me , but I dont need help Ican see clearly for first time and anyway not seen CC for 7 weeks now, she had my meds so not had any. CC has told mum she will see me in new year

So shrink says need to take meds but why would I when I am not ill??? He has given me prescription for Quetiapine in case I change mind but I wont dispense it - it is only so I can be zombie and they can convince me I am ill.

Ok. I lost what I was writing about but hey

I still have 'mental noise' but it is confusion they put there and I am sorry I pretended to be something I'm not . It wasn;t intentional.


Lucida said...

Not sure what to say about meds since I have mixed feelings about them too. There are some mood stabilisers for which you don't have to have blood tests (I didn't with lamotrigine) but i understand your reluctance to try anything else given the experience you've had so far.
I wish i could say something helpful but i can't. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Please take care my dear. xx

La-reve said...

Hi Lucida
nic to hear from you, hope you're ok. Shrink wouldn't pescribe Lamotrigine would send me high apparently, but actually I a good and dont need meds.
I just feel stupid that I was fooled into thinking I was ill for so long just hope they can accept this , they will see I am right I just need to work out to prove to them. Thanks - take care. x

La-reve said...

Oh and I feel stupid for this blog and thinking I was ill

Lucida said...

Yeah - it's true that lamotrigine can make you high at first. That's to do with the slow titration (took me 6 months to get to therapeutic dose). Apparently the anti-depressant effects kick in first. I was given it in conjunction with Olanzipine initially but stopped that coz tired of being 'doped'.
Anyway, not sure why I'm telling you this since you seem sure that meds are not the answer and I would mostly agree.
It doesn't matter whether you were 'ill' or not, whether or not you are bipolar. You have a right to blog about your personal experience and the impact the diagnosis and encounters with the MH system have had on it. We all have doubts - profound doubts - about the labelling 'they' tag on us. Who's to say who is ill or otherwise? Usually it's more a case of most people getting away with it and a few of us getting caught and then when we are, the 'help' on offer is usually more of a hinderence and an interference than anything else.
I think I would tell 'them' as little as possible, make the right noises to get them off your back and lie as low as you can. But that's just me. I'm quite certain they wouldn't want my DNA! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Just sending you lots of ((hugs)) because i don't know what else to say. I'm sorry, but take lots of care sweetie xx

La-reve said...

You are right I shouldn't tell them anything. Except they know that I know what they are plotting anyway. should I pretend I don't know or avoid all contact?. They are always watching.x

Sunshine Diaries. Thanks for comment and hugs I'm not sure what you are sorry about though. That they have made me believ I'm ill???
Anyhow. its appreciated- Blogosphere is only place i feel safe.x

Sairs said...

I also am not sure what to say, so I am sending you a bunch of hugs.

Cassie said...

There's no need to apologize- you weren't pretending to be something you're not. I'm sorry you're so conflicted and distressed right now. *hugs*

Take care,
Cassie x

Mandy said...

There's things I could say...maybe I should say them but is not like I am in a position to be saying to someone else what is right and wrong.

I think mental illness is wrong but it doesn't stop me having it, even when I think I am not ill and just useless at being a human being.

My friend asked me who I was comparing myself feel so shit about myself. At the time I couldn't think. Too busy walking about trying to escape myself (didn't work..ho hum:>)..on the panic line so to speak.

I think I compare myself to anyone who is or appears to be doing something useful, getting on...anyway this is just personal ramblings maybe totally irrelevant but illness makes people think and, more so for me, feel bad.

I don't get paranoia as much as C does or get those highs where I used to be carefee and going with whatever idea was buzzing around as the best thing in my life (at that time) but you are ill, Lareve.

I think that contradictory messages being give to you by MH 'experts' and then the so hot you are burning followed by cold shoulder treatment from MH services aggravates feelings of mistrust. I think that is a mistrust based on the reality of how crap services have been but it has now morphed in your head into some 'plot' against you.

Certain MH staff can take things too personally and then have a kind of preciousness because a patient dared to question them, or be non compliant and than can rebound back but mostly I think that MH services are being stripped to the bone, and it seems to me the only staff left are ones that go on sick leave every time there is something they don't want to do...and the stubborn ones who will do barest minimum until they get pensioned off.

What I am trying to say are right not to trust MH services to be able to help you...cos they mostly haven't. However, if there is one person who has listened and genuinely tried to help you then I would hang on to some hope that they will work with you to get to a better place...a more level place.

I wish I could help more. You know my view of meds but can't help wondering why you haven't been tried on mood stabiliser and lamotrigine. May sound hypocritical but I can't risk that bridge too far (as yet). As you have, without severe side effects, can't help thinking there may be chance that that and anti depressant might work...might not but sometimes when I am too tired of the fight I try another med, and hope above hope that it does something positive.

If the above sounds like utter cobblers...feel free to delete

Warm hugs and you know where I am xx

Seaneen said...

Yeah- well, you know I think you are high, too. But I think a combination of this and the invalidating behaviour of your CC has helped you along in this doubting. Either way, no need to apologise, ill or not, you're still you, and interesting and cool.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Seaneen.

Be gentle with yourself.

Pandora said...

I read this the other day, La-reve, but pathetically skulked away because I (also it turns out) didn't know what to say. I can empathise with the 'not being mentally ill' part of your post and re: being fucked by the NHS, but then you probably know that.

But you're not alone. I may be struggling for words but I do care and, like everyone else I'm sure, am here if you need to vent.

Thinking of you hun.

P <3 xxxxx