Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last few days

Didn't see Prof yesterday he was stuck in another country at the airport.

Secretary rang me to re-arrange for today at 10:15 I said not necessary but she insisted I come

After speaking to Bippidee and Differently was advised that to not go would cause concern and maybe put things into action I didn't want to happen and because I have to play their game so I am not a threat to them, so they think I do not know their game.

I went. And guess who was there waiting outside Prof. office. It was CC she didn't even look up to say hello. I was so angry no one had told me and why was she showing up now, I had to go for a walk round whole hospital until Prof was ready

Stupid CC tried to play all pal- ly we are concerned (yeah 3 months no contact is really concerned) she also told Prof she has tried to contact me on several occasions and she produced a phantom letter that she claims to have sent and must have got lost on way to me. The letter says to ring to make appointment. but she has never rang me . despite her manager, Prof, my Mum and crisis asking her to.

Anyhow, gist of meeting was that I told Prof that whilst I think he is v.good shrink I am not ill and so am wasting his time. He wouldn't believe me though and he has now given me second prescription - this time for valproate 1500mg - I am collecting these papers. he is worried that if my mood dips the realisation I am not invincible and the huge shift will mean I carry out failed plan of 8th Dec on 8th Jan.

He said CC needs to monitor me so she is seeing me in couple weeks, if I can come to her cos she doesn't do visits. even if I am too distressed to leave.

Anyhow its all hypothetical I have no intention to take their meds or play their games she knows I'm not ill , she knows she is after my power. And I'm not sure I can trust Prof anymore he invited CC without my knowledge or agreement.

Prof said the Lithium was real and I couldnt have known if toxic as not quite enouh 3gm. I think its fate I have come home and whilst searching for clonazepam I have found another pack of their Lithium (placebo) ha- 7gm. Not sure what to do with that,

I appreciate people trying to help me because what I have the invincibility, is so unique it is hard to accept and there is only one way I can prove and get someone to believe me- I need them to. But what will they do once its prove will they allow me to continue or will they sweep it under carpet.

I told Prof I had no plans to test invincibility and in a way idea so lose its not really a plan. But I have found somewhere higher than the multi-storey 19 floors high it has to be higher than anyone else could survive.

I want you people to know to witness in case they cover it up. Maybe I will try to video. Take care all x


Seaneen said...

PLEASE do not carry out your plans to test invincibility. Please please don't!

David said...

Just don't. Your kid. Your life. It will get better.

And ditto Seaneen also.

I know I'm not invincible, not matter how well it sometimes feels.

Keep the head!!! (Stay in there and keep going)


Karita said...

Please don't try to test this out. xxx

Lucida said...

It's a no win situation; if you survive, they'll carry you off and if you don't - well your friends and family will be devastated and your son will grow up without his mother. So don't. Please don't do it xxx

La-reve said...

Seaneen - Thanks for support but I will be fine something I have to do wont be impulsive but watch this space.

David- Ditto above and thanks for message. I am invincible but no one will believe I have to prove to everyone and myself in way.Not yet soon
Take care
Speak soon
LR x

Karita- Thanks for popping by and message hun but no need for concern.x

Win Win actually cos if I'm right they will have to leave me alone they can't pretend I'm ill.
If you are right which I know I willbe fine. Then I am v.ill and the loss ofthis life wont be too great.

Now the only question is how do I unjumble these thoughts I cant think straight want to tear my head off. It's very scary.

Thanks everyone.