Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Well I am an idiot.- and most prob ill after all.

How my life can change in a week.

Well I never tested invincibility. Well I did go and try to but got picked up by police, who I managed to talk into taking me home to my husband.

And then Christmas came and it was too near for me to get oportunity being so busy.

Christmas was ok a little hyper but good.

and then it hit. Like I am on that oblivion ride at alton towers (vertical drop roller coaster) it realt felt like that. DEPRESSION

And I am so ASHAMED> I don't think I am invincible after all. I am just a fool. A fool for posting what I posted, a fool to think I was never ill. I am ILL. I will always be ILL.

And I hate new year the last two new years eve I have tried to kill myself with OD. This one I intend to sedate myself into oblivion. until I reach that next year. I won;t OD - it never works I know how to do the deed properly.

And I intend to carry out my plan this time, the plan that should have happened in Dec. The plan for 8th. It has to be the 8th. 8 Is my lucky number you see. I have appointment with prof on 7th but I won't go. The 8th Jan will be my birtday I don't want to make it into 29. If I go I will tell him, and he will convince me I will get better. Or force treatment on me.

As for 2010. I didn't get admitted. though I have had few scrapes. so that is good.

I can't fight this anymore, I half think I can't live with having bipolar, medication, hospital. I'm not strong enough for it. Those of you who have read for while know how difficult it gets. Be Happy For me. No more hurt, no late nights, no desperation, no police chases, no hospitals, no psychiatry, no suicde attempts, no crisis team. Just peace.

I may not blog again but I will find a way to let you know. To say goodbye. This lonely white box has been at times my only outlet and you my dear friends- my only support. xxx

I AM! yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish, an oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky.

John Clare


NOS said...

I don't know what to say, La Reve. This post is scary. You're right-- you're not invincible and you may be ill but that is no reason to die. I really hope you don't carry out your plan. I'm not sure if anything I can say would change your mind, but please know there is someone out there (me) who cares about you and wants you to stay alive.

Take care, please,

Karita said...

What NOS said. Now that you accept you are ill, there is hope that you can become stabilised, given time. You are stronger than you think you are.


Ruby Tuesday said...

please try to keep fighting xxx