Sunday, January 16, 2011

Its all too much.

Its all getting too much here (warning:pathetic whiney, badly written, all-over place post)

I am not going out at all in day, I dont trust people again and then there is the lack of motivation and then in the night, I get this surge of energy and I have to go out, to walk, to cycle, whatever really.

Last night I went out for a long walk and there were some lads about they started to follow me, it got a bit scary and I had to run off. I think that maybe they just wanted to talk, but I didn't want to answer there questions like 'what you doing? you out for business?? etc, etc

I got two letters yesterday, both together. The first was from the CMHT, from CC's supervisor I have got a meeting for thursday to talk about my concerns and why I feel that CC is not meeting my needs. I want to go because I need to let them know. But I dont know if it is just too little too late. I am still living day by day.

I want to tell her that it is not good enough that I have had no appointments with her since October/november. It is not good enough that even when I have been in crisis and had police/crisis and shrink input, who have asked her to contact me she hasnt. I want to say that turning up adhoc at shrink appointment and leaving half way through without speaking one word to me , just so she can write something in my notes is pointless and makes me quite angry. I want her to know that her policy that I come to her and she won't EVER visit me is useless when I can't leave the house, even to get the meds I have needed in the past. Meds that she witholds, until I make 'the effort' to come to her.

But in reality, what will happen is I will go, mutter something. Want to get out and leave with her promising I can ring her if I need her, so she can ignore my calls yet again. and then , there is getting there in first place. I have a problem with going out in the day, and especially 'there' it holds bad memories, memories of being scared, of being made to wait hours for them to get an AMHP, of being niave and thinking I was going to be sectioned , and sent to the bid bad psych ward I knew nothing of then. My mum says she will come with me, but my mum knows nothing about my current state or that I planned/am planning to die so if she comes will make attending easier but will mean I have to downplay problems for her sake and will mean that they will prob think I dont need support.

Ok. So that was Letter 1

Letter 2, was an appointment for 25th January, for an ATOS ESA Medical.

For those who didn't read it, and I guess I should put one of those linking things here, but don;t know how. I had one of these before back at the end of 2009. I remember being in a right state at the time, I had just been discharged same week, from hospital for the fourth time in 6 months. Indeed, I spent 5 months of that year in the psych ward. I clearly expalined to the lady(yes this is too polite a term) who assessed me that I had Bipolar disorder, that I was on high rate DLA, that I had been dismissed from job recently due to capability and the fact that recovery was unlikely in foreseeable future. I told her that I couldn't wake up without several calls from people, needed to be reminded to eat, wash etc, and for the most part couldnt go out alone. Most of this sadly still applies. But I would say perhaps I was worse back then, well maybe I am able to manage myself somewhat better now. Anyhow I forget the point---Oh yes... Back at last assesment I scored......wait for it 0 points.

You need 15 points to be in the 'work related group' and you need several more to be in support group. I appealed and got given 20 points, miracously- and put in the work-activity group. This meant I had to attend 5 work -focused meetings where she decided I was too ill to go to work, and went, as she put it 'through the formalities'. I couldnt even manage the meetings and missed several so it took me a year not 5 months to make these, as they kept being re-arranged. and I had to have a seperate room, as would often have crying/panic attacks. I still appealed as CC at time said should be in support group. I am still waiting for my appeal. It has been 15 months now.

So this new interview. I have no doubt I will fail it. and if I fail I will automatically lose my appeal for the previous decision and the cahnce of backpayment for the difference. I will also prob lose my DLA. I am currently on high rate Care, and low-rate mobility, beause I need constant care/supervision though day and niht because of likelihood I will do myself harm. I really feel it is beyond me to attend this thing and answer their questions. I think I will prob just not attend and save them the job of finding me capable of full-time work and stopping it anyway. Eithr way my benefits are going to be stopped so why put myself through that,

And then there is the other thing it all feels like a bit of a moot point. I don't know what to write about this. But surfice to say I dont feel I can hold on anymore.I mean what for? What good can I do anyone? I can't work, I can't look after my son, he has to go full-time nursery. I am a miserbale,inconsistent bitch to hubby. I am a big fat drain. But people say you must go to ESA and CC meeting because if things improve, you need this support. I cant even be honest here, on my blog anymore because people become concerned and get me help. And I should be dead.

I'm sorry that makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch too. I am. I am grateful for concern but everything hurts, and I am so, so , tired. It too hard now. I don't know what is happening pacing,screaming,walking, crying an in-between mood and its all too much. I need that peace..


Indigo Rose said...

All the red tape in this system wears me down too and I give up. I now don't have any support/therapy cuz it's just too hard to jump through all their hoops to get what you need.
I feel for you. (( hugs ))

Anonymous said...

Typical! Care co-ordinators and support workers rarely available to care for or to support service users in crisis as mental health services and charities team up with ATOS to impose ' resilience ' through abandonment and neglect.

Hang on in there girl and you too Indigo as there are a lot of us in a similar situation and we need to be there for each other not to desperately clutch at one another like crabs in a bucket as services sit on their arses but to work together to tear these fucking monsters down if people start falling victim to this deliberately applied bullying pressure.

sanabituranima said...


It's not fair. It's not at all fair.

Danni said...

For the meeting about your CC, maybe you can write a letter (or just put the points you made here on a piece of paper), then when you go to the meeting you can just hand it over.

I hope the medical goes okay.


Seaneen said...

My advise is: print this out and bring it to your CC meeting. She has acted disgracefully and needs to be told. And make her come with you this medical or ask for representation.

You should not lose your benefits- if the information is relayed accurately. You are very ill and it's also possible they'll see that. But get someone to be there with you, either the CC or your husband. x

intothesystem said...

I'm sorry to hear all this.

The ESA medical is a horrible thing, but you may be lucky and get a good doctor - mine recognised just how unwell I was at the time and I passed and got put in the support group. I know that others - like the one you saw last time - are shit, but they aren't all like that.

Definitely take someone with you. Get them to point out just how poorly you have been. You clearly are not well enough to work - I would hope anyone could realise that.

Printing this post out and sharing it is also a good idea. xx