Thursday, January 20, 2011

My 24 hours.

Things got a bit worse again last night. I decided to go to my bridge at about 2am. It was cold, I had only short sleeve PJs on. I walked up and down river, thinking. It wasnt a definite plan to kill myself I just felt I had to go, and if it felt right I took all my aparatus with. the rope, the notes. I stood on edge of metal stretching out over Trent and looked at the cool stillness of the water.

There were swans about, beautiful peaceful swans and some rabbits, I watched them for a little while. I must have been outside in my PJs for couple of hours. I had spoken to a friend or two, and some others text me, I had sadly caused some concern which was not my intention. Sorry.

I don't think I was suicidal I just wanted to end it all, and then I got confised the water wasnt real it was a sheet of perfect black perspex I could walk all over.

Anyhow I saw a security officer by the football stadium near where I was he was looking at me , kept looking and then when i looked back and turned he was gone. Not sure if he was real or inveted, but next thing police arrived.

I was badly shaking at this point they got me a blanket, they didnt take me hospital just followed me home, and made me promise to stay there.

So no sleep, I attended my sppointment with CC and supervisor. My mum came with me

I tried to tell them about last night, about how I fell now, today, but they didnt want to discuss that just a plan of ho contact and care should go in future. Agreement is

See CC once a fortnight at Cc and she will TRY to come to me if this isn't possible.

She is to provide me with Clonazepam at fortnightly meetings to calm me

If Crisis have spoken to me or are concerned, police have taken me to hospital, I have been to AnE - she is to follow up to see if I'm ok/need support. (this is bizare because seems obvious. But apparently their/her protocol is to wait until s/user makes contact even if they are ill and on the verge of detenion.???)

And lastly, and most usefully really - she is going to attend ATOS medical on tuesday, this she very reluctantly agreed to after mum asked her direct, and in a way she couldn't refuse, but I am happy about this not that she is upportive but hoping presence of a cpn will prove mentalness somehow

Lastly, I have decided I am prob a bit ill at moment, and maybe meds would be good idea, bt I cant get hold of shrink to arrange this. I don't think they would hospitalise me. So I am clingin on and hoping I make it through, a desire which wanes with desperation

So thats my 24 hours, Take care all.x


Lucida said...

Sounds as if, despite all the crises and despair, you still have a sensible head on. Glad you have people who care/can help (even proffssionals - well maybe). If you want a chat/advice about the medical then don't hesitate to give me a nudge. I'm sure you'll be fine, and taking CC or someone is a must. Take care. cc

Lucida said...

P.S - god knows why I signed off 'cc'. Must have missed the 'xx' key! Just thought i should let you know incase you got paranoid about actual CC posing as me! (if that makes sense. My brain is a bit convoluted today also). xx

Differently Sane said...


That protocol is bizarre, but I'm glad CC has agreed to go to medical with you and hope that it helps.

Sorry you're feeling like this, and such a shame that when you do want to try meds you can't get hold of the psych... seems typical to me - you don't want them, they practically chuck them at you, you decide to give them a go, and you can't get access... Hope you manage to get hold of him soon though.

Take care,

Nessa said...

I'm glad you're safe.