Thursday, January 13, 2011

'The Plan'

This week has been hard. Trying to cope with still being alive, having made it through another birthday and seeing the next year stretch wide in front,

Last friday in the early hours of morning (sat morn) I had planned to take my life. I wont go into details because I still need to retain that option, but it was perfect. 100% deadly, painless, wouldnt mean I would be found by family(not at home), and relatively simple to carry out. I am here, so it didnt work out. A few people I chat to throuh this blog knew what I had planned and maybe others figured it out. Anyhow someone called the police. The police managed to find my address and they came round to my house about 7/8 pm.

They didnt do anything just told me to ring my cc, but them coming round was enough to alert husband who was sitting with me and after they left, he locked me in the house, he was also being super vigilent - so no way out. My perfect plan foiled :-(

I don't know what to think about it really. I had planned it so well. I had seen prof that day he knew I wanted to kill myself, he knew how but he didnt think I was going to do it that weekend, didnt know my plan, he had asked but I said I didn't want to incriminate myself.He wated to admit me but didnt want to section me, as would ruin trust- after 2 hours he let me go until monday gone, for another appointment. I don't know when that appointment was as I was going to be dead by then.

What I had forgot is to account for human conscience. Someone thought I needed help, someone thought my decision to die was wrong. Enough to insist the police found me. Which ain't that hard cos they kinda know me. They saved my life, I SHOULD be grateful. But a week on and I wish I could turn back time, kept quiet be GONE.

And so I spent my birthday in tears. People coming to give me presents, wanting me to smile. When all the time I thought I should haave been dead, they would have found my body now. I rang crisis , they were nice promisd to ring me sunday and get CC to ring me this week and come see me. But neither has ever materialised.

The days following saturday I could no longer move. I just lay there, wishing , praying that God chose to take me. That somehow each breath would be my last. I no longer had the strength to carry out my plan, and was still under watchful gaze and calls of hubby.

Yesterday I gained some of that motivation and energy back. Last night it got pretty scary, I was so restless I ended up pulling wads of hair out without realisinng it. I don't know anymore. Maybe I was right few weeks ago nothing wrong, but it feels wrong. I think everythig and everone would be better, had I died 08/01/11. I am not a good person, I know that. I am very bad. He showed me that. And then I thought maybe I did die on 8th, maybe this is afterlife, this catatonia. I am really jittery. Maybe a mood change?

I didn't see prof on monday I don't even know when appointment was cos like I said it was a day I was certain never to see. I have no appointment in future with him no one has rang me. It is pointless, all he has is meds nothing new, nothing I can hang on for.I guess crisis were too busy to ring me on sunday. I guess they liased with CC and she felt any contact with me was inappropriate and unecessary.

There are people out there who are loving life, or who are dying and would love to be me, have years stretching out in front. But all I can think is how unfair being here is, all I can do is hope things are better next time.

I wanted to try -I wanted to be around for my boy etc, but I can't give him what he needs, I cant GIVE anything. I was ready to try earlier. I decided to fight I rang cc yesterday she never returned my calls. today I rang 3 times to speak to her manager who eventually took my call. But she just said that she will sort out a CPA review in few weeks. A few weeks could be forever, even if it materialises.

I am pathetic , so ANON commenter on last post, you were right and I am as sorry as you I'm still around. Still spouting this self-absorbed rubbish and still responsible for so much wron in the world.

I need a game plan. But the only plan can ever be 'THE PLAN'.


Anonymous said...

As frustrating as it is please keep trying to get help and support. Try to be honest and open about how bad you are feeling. If hospital is the only option then consider it to keep yourself safe.
The person who left that message is just an idiot(for want of a stronger word)and a coward.
Thinking of you, hugs xx

La-reve said...

Thanks Mags1234

I am being honest, but no one to be honest to at moment, I have tried contactin cc, spoke to her manager, crisis said they would contact, and I bet police did but she not interested. And I don't think there is anything they can do anyway.

Thanks for your support. hug appreciated

LR x

Anonymous said...

I just read what Anonymous wrote about your last post and I wanted to punch his/her face through the screen. He/she is a coward and an asshole and doesn't know what he/she is talking about.

You are worthy of life. I can't guarantee that your life will be filled with rainbows and bunnies, but I know things can change so that you are no longer at a point where you want to slit your wrists. And maybe even better. The key is to keep trying because if you kill yourself there's no possibility of happiness. At least now there's a chance.

Wishing you well,

My Black Fog said...

I read a lot of blogs and this anon person has being leaving very nasty comments on quite a few of them lately so I think he's just a sick person getting a thrill in his/her own way. He's an unfeeling idiot. He left a comment on my blog a few weeks back which resulted in an attempted Overdose. He made me feel worthless and horrible. But now I realize he's just sick. He needs help himself. He shouldn't warrent any reaction from any of us because his opinion is worth nothing. I know that now.
I'm sorry you had to go through this too.
I actually had tears reading your blog. I feel your pain. But I care about you. A lot of people obviously care about you. So please hang in there. I wished there was more I could do or say to make you feel better. (( big warm sincere hugs!! ))

Anonymous said...

*hugs* Anon commenter is an arse. Try to forget him/her.

I hope things are not so awful soon.