Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bad not Mad

I have spent most of today reading back my blog, a lot of the 2 and a half years. Initially to work out if there were any patterns to my mood. I did realise that March-June seems to be the worst time of the year.

Reading back I could see how many lovely comments people left, support that got me to where I am today. But this suppot made me feel terribly guilty, because I am still here still in turmoil maybe worse than ever. They wasted their kind words an comments on me.

The other thing I noticed were old familar names now no longer in madosphere. I stated blooging 3 years ago this year and in that time I have seen many bloggers stop, many old friends recover, achieve that elusive stability and move on with their lives. And yet here I am. I am so happy when I read about people going to uni, doing well not needing to blog etc, I really am - but I cant help being jealous. Jealous that I am still here, blogging the same old crap not moving on. I don't resent their success quite the opposite but it makes me feel terribly shit that I cant emulate.

But there is a reason.

Scott has been showing me things. He assures me I am not ill I am just plain damn evil. And I cant recover because you can't ever rehabilate pure evil you can only ever eradicate it surely.

I mean think about it logically. I have had a problem with 5 out of 7 care co-ordiantors. 5 cant be bad. It has to be me. I need to take responsibility. They cant cure me I cant be cured I am evil,evil.bad.

So there you go. I dispensed an old prescription for Lithium today. 8grams not sure why. But I watched the pharmacist and went very out of town so I think they are real.

All this time I have been searching down a path of recovery. how silly.


sanabituranima said...

Scott is not telling the truth. Scott wants to hurt you. Scott is part of your illness/misery and he wants to keep you ill.

You said in your last post that Scott talks to you through your TV. Is there any way you can stop him talking to you. Do you maybe need to get rid of your TV, or avoid the room where it is?

You are not bad.

You have been ill for a lkong time, but that doesn't mean you always will be. Saeneen was blogging as aill person for 4 years, and she had been ill for a long while before she started the blog.

I believe you can get better.

You are a good person. Your recent kindness to Bip proves that.

La-reve said...

Well I wasn't specifically talking about Seaneen. Lots of bloggers who are no longer around or have been for while. I certainly don't resent anyone recovery.

But I am not entitled to it.

Yh I try to turn TV round but I still hear it.

thank you for your kindness people are kind that what makes me feel like a shit. x

werehorse said...

La-reve, you are not bad, you are certainly not evil. Scott is a SYMPTOM, not an advocate of truth.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you have enough insight to avoid being sectioned time and time again, so use some of that insight on Scott and your other troubles.

Take care x x

Anonymous said...

I have to say, as someone who has been reading your blog for a long time, YOU ARE NOT EVIL. I have seen so much good within you, so much fight to keep strong. You have accomplished so very much. You may not have awards for it but you have helped many people. Your blog has been an encouragement to others, myself included. You've shown it's possible to fight this dreadful illness and still be good and strong. You've helped me, which I thank you for. Don't listen to Scott. You're a strong wonderful person. Scott is a bully and a liar. It's another manifestation of this illness. Please keep fighting hon.

Anonymous said...

I can only echo what everyone else is saying. Scott doesn't know the truth. Your friends know the truth - you are not evil, but you are ill.

Please tell someone about that lithium. Give it to someone for safe keeping.


Karita said...

You're not evil, you're lovely and so supportive. Scott is lying to you.

Please tell somebody about the Lithium.


Seaneen said...

Scott talks total bullshit. What a knobber.

You said in your last post about taking responsibility, because it is your fault. It isn't, though. It's not your fault you have bipolar and as for the med-go-round, taking-not-taking and all the things you mentioned, it's something almost everyone with manic depression will deal with. Slipping in and out of insight, and hating the pills. I have, you have, most people have. You're not uniquely crap at this. We're all crap at this!

You are not a bad person. You're il. It is not your fault and you are entitled to get better and entitled to being safe and cared for- and in that sense, even if you think you're at fault here, I'd say it's largely your treatment team who have failed you, not the other way around. You have no obligation to them- they have to you, and they're not fulfilling that. You are not evil and you are not bad. x

Seaneen said...

I also echo others here in telling someone about the LIthium, maybe give it to your husband. xx