Friday, February 4, 2011

Funny old mood and week

Well I got confirmation letter of being put in work activity group it doesn't say how many points or anything. So not sure how I barely passed as person on phone said.

This week has been really hard. I have not been able to go out my mood has really dropped despite starting on the Valproate and Lamotrigine. In fact I think this is what dropped my mood. I think I was going a bit high last week and should naturaly have ontinued that way, happily puffing along and upwards instead it has stole that high and left me with this depressed mood once again except part of me is fighting the meds so I feel well I feel like I am in a stuck depressed, too many thoughts very confused mood.

I can't take being depressed again. I was so depressed and should have killed myself on 8th but as you know didn't work out, and since then been in limbo , except at least mood was going up and so I was looking forwrd to feeling good again. But another depressive one so close, I can't take it. And I can't take all the ATOS crap and having to go to more work activity meetings and everything.

I tried to ring CC as we agreed new plan for me to ring and her to ring me straight back as son as she could when I really needed help. I didn't want to ring, I don't trust her but I did yesterday and she didnt ring back then or today. I think I was right that they all want to play a game with me, prof says I need to go for a blood test soon, but I wont give them my blood. I know why they want it. Well I think I do.

So I did something stupid and tested but it is ok, and I can't say more because people seem to read here and the ones who know my details get me help. I'm sorry but I am capble of helping myself if that is what I want and I don't want because I don't want this life really, but I have it anyway and I don't know why something keeps me alive or maybe I can't die.

I'm not making any sense I know that, I know it when I talk but I still carry on with these stupid, meaningless words that I said before. blah blah. And i can't leave the house only between 2am and 8am because they will have gone home.

And why should I take meds that make me feel like shit 90% instead of 60% of the time.? Meds aren't for me obviously, they never work, perhaps because I don't have the disorder they are trying to treat?

So what is wrong? Maybe I thought myself into this mess or services have brainwashed me into feeling I am unwell, except now I feel I am, and am not but am.

Argh I want outside of my head. I googled today whether it was posible to take away part of your skull and survive I think if it is if done skillfully than yes. I feel like a kettle where someone has blocked the spout if I let out some air I will not simply burst but could bubble away. I won't do it. I don't posses the skill really and well what if I did that and all that was in there was a big empty vaccum now that would be interesting. Or some kind of programable chip. maybe a reset button wouldn't that be good?

I am rambling so will end there.

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