No help

Today I woke up and realised its getting close to that crisis point now where I fail to see any way out but OUT OUT. I decided I had to try and get help and some support in place as clearly other than Prof I am left to wade in and out of crisis until my inevitable death. Part of me didnt want to die but needed help.

Firstly I rang CMHT and asked to speak to cc. They said they would get her to contact me. please bear in mind I have not heard from her or anyone bar Prof. for two weeks. Despite the S.136 and my instability and crisis etc.

Anyhow she did not contact me back. So I rang and asked to speak to her supervisor. He was busy but did ring me back eventually. I explained that I wasn't interested in more meetings but wanted a new cc full stop. I have given her 5 months to provide me with support and she has seriously failed, even in crisis. He said I can't just change CC but he will talk to her and get back to me. She is not in the office today (so I would have waited all day for that call then). I told him that Prof. would support my request due to his dis-satisfaction with their care. I had presumed he had contacted thm like he said. But he hasn't. The supervisor seemed annoyed he dared to say their service was insufficient, and I wished I hadn't mentioned it, but I thought he would have rang them(as he seemed annoyed and said he would??). Ok so he told me to pick up my meds today whilst I felt able, and said it was my responsibility to do this and to contact cc. I explained that she said 2 weeks ago that she would ring me in day or so, and no one had even told me whther crisis had discharged me , which was inappropriate. He just seemed to side with cc(big surprise)

Not good enough is it

So I decided only way to go was advocacy. I hate phones,- especially ringing new places. But I googled and found 3 advocacy services in Nottingham. I rang the first they had message 'due to funding service now closed' . So I rang second service. After explaining my concern she said due to funding she could help me only if I became an inpatient. Feeling pretty disheartened I then rang the third number. A nice lady answered and it seemed like she was going to help, until I told her my diagnosis, to which she said 'oh, no we can only provide help for those diagnosed with a personality disorder, such as borderline' (Now that's not a statement you hear very often is it??) -Ironic really

So there you go I guess I have PALS but it is too long and too pointless I have complained with them before. They all cover eachothers arses.

And Scott is laughing and I am laughing in my head and screaming because he knew no-one would listen. They can't help the bad. I dont deserve help or service. And that bit of hope this morning has faded fast.