Wednesday, April 6, 2011


OK I haven't written in a while because I been really trying the stability thing.

Well there was crisis team coming to see me everyday to watch me take meds. last week it was down to every other day and then this week they saw me yesterday and once more on 8th (to try avoid any 8 related blip)

Anyhow I need to say this here now just because I have been tempted to self-sabotage in a sense. Thing is mood bit high at moment like Prof said on monday . And I am really enjoying myself. I have been Drayton manor with my son today last few days not sleeping, But I am not wandering or thinking I am invincible so the meds are making some difference 3 weeks in. I am dancing, cleaning a lot and trying to unscramble the thoughts but as Prof said the highs will still be high and lows still low each cycle less until become stable.

So why then did I miss my morning dose and only now take the evening dose. Why did I want to sabotage now. Truth is I hate taking the pills. I have put on a huge amount of weight in that time on them, but mostly I am scared I'm scared of the dip of knowing this energy is unsustainable of the depression of this being the one to kill me. I don't want to die.

Ok told you I'm rambling thoughts at moment

Ok nows the point. I know meds will help with the dip maybe this one will be less intense it certainly wont make it worse. However I may never get the intense energy or lust for life I am currently in. Is the trade of worth it ? I think so. And it you factor in no more psychosis no feeling invincible, responsible for the world. no police, MHA assesments, hospitals. Then ABSOLUTELY.

So I swallowed tonight's pills not happily but with smug acceptance that it has taken a long time to get to this place. I have to keep with it.

So for all those anti-med people I do think meds are dolled out to frequently for wrong reasons but I need mine thank you. So no emails telling me I can cure myself with power of positive thinking or selling me vitamins and fish oils. Sorry you are wrong. Read back the last few months see how nose diving off meds worked for me.

I hope these ones work they seem to but if not I will find the right ones.

I need my Medication. I have tried to live off it. IT VERY NEARLY KILLED ME

(This post is for me to read when I doubt this, but also for those struggling to realise meds can help you. )


Pandora said...

I couldn't agree more about the anti-medication types. I find their obsessed and smug rantings tiresome and frustrating. Medication has saved my life, like it has saved yours, and not taking it - well, that's just not an option. End of.

Anyhow, lovely, I am glad that things are brighter for you. I know it must be awfully difficult in balancing the highs, lows and psychoses, butI really hope you've maybe reached a turning point here.

Take care of yourself.


Pan x

Karita said...

I'm so glad you've reached this turning point. I hope things keep getting more stable for you. Big hugs for working so hard on taking your meds.


The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
intothesystem said...

I just want to say Hoorah!!

It sounds like you've made a really positive step and I hope you can keep taking the meds.

Glad things are looking up. xx

mags1234 said...

Medication has it's place for everyone. If it helps you then that is good. The trouble is it is so easy to buy into the'professionals' point of view. I am very anti prof view on things at the moment and more about what works for you, So if mediavation is what is bringing you relief then that is great. i'm glad that you have found relief long may it last.
Hugs xx

ladybird said...

i am really pleased you have got to this place i have read your blog for months now and you really have been to the depths of despair - peace and serenity and happiness toyou and your son
p.s thanks for writing such a fab blog......