another chaotic night

Last night wasnt good

I couldnt slow down or unjumble my thoughts, I decided to go out,

Drove to River Trent, drove down bank so as all I had to do was to drop handbrake

but...

I cant die, i wanted to die I neede to but couldnt ..rmember the hanging incident..there was a sevurity guard at local football ground and am sure he would have played hero...and then if i dont die, people get punished.thats how it works you see. Last week I didnt die..so all the floods in the US and then back in march the Tsunami,. I was very confused and I decided to cut my head open to relieve pressure..wanted to cut piece of skull, but it would only cut through scalp. I pondered going to A&E maybe something to calm me, but wouldnt go there, so rang night Crisis.


I tried to explain, but it got jumbled managed to explain who I was, where and why..they told me they were calling the police and asking them to put me on a S.136..I paniced and imagined the 6ft box with the shit everywhere.

So I drove off along the bank...they sent a police helicopter and car and I was made to go to the hospital..when I went before I was 136.


In hospital took them ages to see me, kept pacing, kept singing I dont know..eventually saw shrink and Crisis, rest is hazy remember shattering polestirine cups into fake snow shower. Remebr telling them everything, hanging etc..he asked what help I wanted I said nothing, nothing worng not ill.he told me I shouldnt have drove etc..

Now this is confusing cos Im sure they left and told me I could go home...so I went but when I got home 2 police officers where there telling me I needed to go back..I refused and they waited outside my house for 2 hours, they said they were ringing my husband (yh that will help). it was 7am by then and not been asleep now.

Anyhow cc rang me this morning, says cant understand was fine on phone to her..said I am lying either today or before, and that if dont want support why ring crisis? which is question, but I just wanted benzo really. anyhow she says will refere me to the crisis team, as no doubt I will ring them anyhow, they are going to ring me tommorow and visit if need and then she will review situation on monday.

I feel very silly about it all, and I hope it doesnt effect my discharge, cc says it wont.