Saturday, October 18, 2008

Well I am over the worst of the 'I just can't go on' thoughts I think, although the Ideation is still strong. But I can feel a quietening of the voices telling me I'm a worthless crap, the world would be better place without me and I'm not strong enough to survive this (the voices being my own)

Yesterday I spent the whole day in town. Because I knew I'm still not safe alone, and because I need to face being in public, and the world again. It was ok, I did have a minor panic attack but I survived.

Today I am feeling very detatched. An outsider looking in on my life. I can;t control what I am doing, where I am heading I can only watch. I'm not sure this is a better place to be. But it is a safe place I think and that's ok.

These feeling has left me to think. Are we not all spectators in our own lives? Is our life already mapped out? and does it matter what decisions we make? does it not automatically run its course? I know this is a bit deep for a saturday morning. I don't really know, but I feel all efforts to control the direction of my life and in some ways the outcome have been fruitless. A psychologist would probably say right now that I am trying to shirk the responsiblity for my actions and avoid working to get better. Well maybe, but I am alive and maybe shirking is all I have.

I will be seeing my CC monday and will need to make decision whether to start on the Sodium Valproate they suggest. My initial reaction was no way. But then being so detatched has allowed me to look at the bigger picture. I can see how my illness effects those around me and maybe I need to try for them. I went to library yesterday and took out soem books on mental illness and medication which I will TRY and read today (mood allowing).

2 comments:

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Hmmmm.

I write that because have been to Senean's blog and once again have been struck by how things either suddenly change (inside us) or build up till we can't hack them.

I find it difficult to say the right thing because ultimately there isn't the right thing to say. Only what seems relevant at the time.

Sometimes I get a crescendoing of stuff going on..that I fight and fight and then can't fight anymore. However, since using lorazepam (and deffo in ways the MH services wouldn't approve) I cope better. Okay it is pretendy coping but pretendy coping is better than not coping. Is not like we are living ideal lives in an ideal world or anything close.

My view on the SV tabby is, in the absence of anything else that is working, is it is worth a try. Not that I have any real faith that any shrinky tablets work..and certainly not to levels that make life so much more bareable but it is there and might help.

am glad the storm seems to have broken for you. Feeling detached has it's advantages as long as you have some space where other people allow you to be detached. As in external demands often add to my feelings of ineptitude when I can't respond accordingly.

today is one of them days where I see everything and yet nothing makes much sense.

La-reve said...

Thanks Mandy

Seaneen blog has hit home. This illness is real, its harsh, it's crap and sadly life-threatening.

Pretendy coping you say, that's where I am mostly, for others sake if not my own but hoping if I pretend for while then slowly may turn into real coping. I can but hope. x