Friday, March 19, 2010

The Anniversary

A year ago today, to this hour and possibly this minute I was having a mental health act assesment in a prison cell after being arrested under S.136. and being locked up for nearly six hours. It would result in my first admission into a psychiatric ward,

I was so scared in a police car, in a cell and in a hospital ward for the first time. No one came to talk to me - reassure me I hid in my room huddled in the corner of the window sill. knees to chest. I didn't know it would be two months before I was free, and the hardest two months.

Today I went back to the place of my arrest. Silly really. the exact time I was there last year. I seem to mark these anniversarys. I had to go. But it made me feel sick. Scared being that high up and thinking, almost hearing and seeing the sirens the police and me, as I was a year ago. I didn't feel invincable I felt lucky, lucky that I'm here and I'm doing ok i'm alive and I get to see my little boy grow up.

I have come a long way in a year I think. I'm not going back. Forwards, maybe a little sideways but not back there. Yesterday I went for an interview for social work at university. I'm not sure I'm well enough for it yet, and will defer if I get a place but it went ok. I can see a future and I can see a life. Bipolar can't steal that, it can tag along but it can't dictate everything. I won't let it.

Still I know I won't sleep tonight. I want to give that scared, confused me march 19th 2009 a hug and tell her she will make it through.


la said...

I'd like to hug her too if that's OK.

La-reve said...

Thanks La.
I'm sure she (me) would appreciate it. :) x

David said...

(joins the hug queue, diffidently) Dx

Sairs said...

It's been so long since my 'first' admission but I remember every details of it, though not the date. I think it's one of those things you never ever forget. I also remember my first and luckily last trip in a police car being taken to hospital on another admission. Glad you're okay!

Bridgette said...

Thanks so much for your post, and your blog. Millions of Americans suffer from a diagnosed, misdiagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. Silver Hill Hospital has clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and adult and adolescent psychiatric treatment and provides hope for people who may not have been getting the right care. Talking/blogging about mental illness can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.