Friday, March 19, 2010

The Anniversary

A year ago today, to this hour and possibly this minute I was having a mental health act assesment in a prison cell after being arrested under S.136. and being locked up for nearly six hours. It would result in my first admission into a psychiatric ward,

I was so scared in a police car, in a cell and in a hospital ward for the first time. No one came to talk to me - reassure me I hid in my room huddled in the corner of the window sill. knees to chest. I didn't know it would be two months before I was free, and the hardest two months.

Today I went back to the place of my arrest. Silly really. the exact time I was there last year. I seem to mark these anniversarys. I had to go. But it made me feel sick. Scared being that high up and thinking, almost hearing and seeing the sirens the police and me, as I was a year ago. I didn't feel invincable I felt lucky, lucky that I'm here and I'm doing ok i'm alive and I get to see my little boy grow up.



I have come a long way in a year I think. I'm not going back. Forwards, maybe a little sideways but not back there. Yesterday I went for an interview for social work at university. I'm not sure I'm well enough for it yet, and will defer if I get a place but it went ok. I can see a future and I can see a life. Bipolar can't steal that, it can tag along but it can't dictate everything. I won't let it.

Still I know I won't sleep tonight. I want to give that scared, confused me march 19th 2009 a hug and tell her she will make it through.

4 comments:

la said...

I'd like to hug her too if that's OK.

La-reve said...

Thanks La.
I'm sure she (me) would appreciate it. :) x

David said...

(joins the hug queue, diffidently) Dx

Sairs said...

It's been so long since my 'first' admission but I remember every details of it, though not the date. I think it's one of those things you never ever forget. I also remember my first and luckily last trip in a police car being taken to hospital on another admission. Glad you're okay!
*hugs*
Sarah