I'VE MOVED

I have decided to start blogging again so for those of you who have stumbled here, or who would like to read then please find my new blog at http://www.whenshewearsredlipstick.blogspot.co.uk/.

Since i last blogged

Since I last blogged I completed second year of my degree and did v.well. I got discharged from CMHT I got pregnant I got reffered to Perinatal Psychiatry I got left for entire pregnancy until few weeks prior to delivery due to shortages and staff sickness On 3rd February I had a second son. Sorry for the matter of fact way I write that but so much that I dont have time or mental space at present to put it into proper sentences to write about the struggles up and down and the joy of carrying a child of the anticipation of actually recalling this ones first few weeks anw with happiness. Of the difficulty of coming off meds whilst pregnant coping on nothing and at the same time having any support vanish. Oh its been a mixed bag. And here I am a second time mum and I am being seen daily- perinatal cpn, crisis and midwifery and they want me in hospital they have me a bed. And i have these terrible thoughts not to hurt him- I would never hurt him but to take him away and I wont sleep less they come for him and its 7 days now. they have given me risperidone as well as Valproate and today it made me cry. Made me cry because I feel so confused with it all. I try to do my best but I always hurt the ones I love and I was selfish 9 months ago and now Im selfish for not doing the right thing, I dont know what that is??

My last 6 months-ish- IM BACK-for catch-up

Hello Everyone

I have been gone for so long- It's been nearly 6 months since I wrote so I cant and wont presume there is anyone who will read this but I have missed you all out there in the blogosphere. I had to stop blogging for several reasons.

Firstly, someone- one of my readers sent my prof (Shrink) a link to my blog which partially resulted in me getting sectioned, so I felt I couldnt write here anymore without it being analysed. He now knows the blog is no more so he wont be coming here. Secondly, I wanted to take a break after 3 years of blogging I felt I had said it all many times and then all the concern I got whilst lovely left me feeling very guilty for writing things that would cause such distress.

Lastly, Life kind of got in the way - who knew there was a life in between mental health act assesments and psych appointments, cc meetings and police chases. Well there was ..THERE IS.


So how to summarise how things have been, I have managed the occasional tweet and even a trip to London to meet some of you, but here it is:

I haven't really talked about this before here and to do so is quite risky but I went back to University despite missing the first two months being in hospital and despite the kind lecturers allowing me only a week to catch this all up. I managed!!!.. I am half way through a five month placement which will see me finisihing the second year of my course and I am on target for a First as well, although I try and say that modestly with the intention of proving that things can really turn around for people and not a YIPEE AREN'T I GREAT moment. All things being well in just over a year I will be a qualified MH professional myself. EEkk!

I know that must sound odd and alarming to some reading.I mean you look back to my posts last year or any other year and my life was so chaotic and risky- so what of the mentals you ask?? Well- they are still there. I had a difficult time just over a month ago..I disclosed what had happened to me in hospital to my shrink who then tried to pressure me into making a proper complaint and held/still holds me responsible for others safety, for keeping him at large. I tried to drown that thought out in a very bad way and I had MHA assesment 17(I think its 17 but lost count). It was a blip a reasonable sized one but only a blip. Things hit rocky patches briefly at times but mostly it has been uneventful and I have had no contact with crisis, police or hospital otherwise.

I am not recovered. But I am stable enough to know that, to know that it is hard work most days but to know I can do it and I can help others too. My current placement is going very well, its not MH directly but I come across mild MH problems. Its very strange being on the other side of the fence- I had a lady say to me last week that 'she felt under the weather, but I couldn't possibly understand as I had never felt down'. I will say its both wonderful and tragic to hear that in my position. Wonderful that I must come across so stable and unaffected but tragic that professional boundaries forbid me from reaching out to her and telling her there will never be another worker of hers that could understand it more, but alas- its not about me so I kept quiet. Although I must admit another small part of me wanted to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

And so to recap mentally I still see prof he still continues to be concerned at times but not in anyway to the same level and hospital is never mentioned - I see him every 4 weeks. I still have a cc but I see her sporadically and mainly to pick up meds which for the main part I do take. But now I live for the majority of time in that other world otuside my blog, my illness and my appointments..Who knew there was more out there. And I realise that I am not my illness nor do I walk around with that label on my head- for all to see.

I continue to question at times my suitability to help others when I have struggled so much to help myself but I am always midful of this and wouldnt continue on this path if I thought I was ever going to be anything less than a good worker. I have had too many professionals let me down to ever give anyone any less than my all. Whilst everything I have ever written on this blog has been real, very real it does not sum up all of me. Yes my mind has been chaotic but I am really very boringly normal in real life and as my lecturer said the me on paper, and the me in person do not add up and 'you would never believe you had been assessed or in hospital let alone 17 times and sectioned'- But those were his words. I hope the few of you I have met can attest to that.

So every day I drive past the psych hospital with my city council lanyard I work less than a mile away and every day I have to shake myself to remember only 6 months ago I was sectioned there. I see patients who were there with me walking about outside my office on leave and I smile but they no longer know who I am- I am the badge I wear and they cannot marry the out of control person needing to be sedated on the wards with that badge. Its a little sad but I cant be service user and professional all at once thats not how it work, I have to switch rapidly between the two as necessary, its ok - Im used to rapid switching :)

I have been told by my supervisor that she has never seen such a well adjusted confident person as I am as a student. She doesnt know. I like that she doesn't. I like that for once mental illness is sidelined. My little boy will soon be five - he is coming to the last year of school and his teachers report him to be bright, outgoing and popular and that is my biggest achievement - as I feel like a terrible lousy mother for what I have done in the past and that I almost left him, so I hope he continues to be unaffected.

And that concludes this rather oddly disjointed catch-up. Except to add - Happy Easter- did someone say it was the 8th - Pah. :0)

Reflections on a scary night

I have reopened my blog temporarily in lots of ways I am paranoid about who reads here in think services have found it, and others.

Anyhow there is somethibng cathartic about sharing the thoughts in my head. On september 10 In was detained under section 2 of the mental health act and I am officially discharged next monday. I want to talk about suicide and such related themes so consider that a warning to read no further, should it trigger.

I have often had suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I cant go on cycling from mood to mood and thoughts that I am evil and it would be better for me and everyone if I killed myself. I have gotten near to death too many times and in many ways I have been a ticking timebomb for much of last few years, but my closest brush with death happened during my recent incarceration.

I deeply believed I was evil during admission if I remember correctly(its hard to remember when I am that ill/hospitalised). Also I couldn't and still cant believe I had been sectioned it was assesment number 14 and I thought there was no way I would ever hear those words that would take away my freedom. I hate hospital even if it was a new hospital with single ensuite rooms. Anyhow I think 2/3 weeks into incarceration I decided I was going to kill myself. I was on a psych ward but there were several ligature points I had noted and swung off so knew took my weight. I knew exactly how to tie a noose, that had been googled, practised and perfected months ago. I had my bed sheet.

So I waited until early hours when the 3 night staff were in the office and I took one of the chairs tied the noose placed it around my neck tied it to the ligature point and kicked away the chair. As I hung there im not sure what was going through my head, relief mostly but a little panic. I decided to kiss the picture of my son on my mobile and rooted around, all the time the cotton tugging around my neck. Seeing my son must have triggered something maybe I changed my mind. I try to say help, shout but its impossible to get out much sound when you have the weight of your body around your neck. I managed to get into last text which was the ward number sent to my husband and to ring the ward. I didnt get out more than a groan but somehow the staff came running and although its a blur I remember someone saying pull the alarm, me falling off a chair and a Dr coming to check if I had neck damage. I didnt. staff have since told me I was blue didnt communicate for a while tried to get up there second time (was stopped). They also tell me its the first time they have seen a body swinging as its not a female method (female ward) and nobody has spotted that ligature point.

Anyhow I am home now all but official discharge but it hit me today how close things were. I mean what if I had done that at home no one would have found me in time. Even on the wards there is so many small things that could have made it more permenant.

1. I could have dropped/not had my phone
2. My phone could have lost charge/signal
3. The ward could have been engaged
4. They could have thought the grunt I gave was a pervert ringing

All of the above are quite likely things that could have prevented me being found.

Being back with my son and seeing what 6.5 weeks away from him has done makes me happy I was saved and am alive, there was something that made me want to change my mind, and the thing to remember is sometimes there are no second chances. Should I choose one of my chosen more unusually male/dangerous methods,-females tend to overdose or self harm in someway apparently. Im not sure I am ever 100% suicidal (Im alive) if there is even 1 or 2% of me that wants to be alive that part might be screaming too late, how horrible would it be to be hanging with no help, to be freefalling having changed your mind but knowing you would hit ground/water soon- I kind of know it would be the scariest thing you can imagine. Thats a thought to hold on to

they sectioned me

Well people I guess I'm not undetainable. Have beenm purt on section 2 early hours. Can't understand it saw crisis uesy who wouldnmt help said didn't have mental illness. I went to a n e cos nhs direct phoned ambuance. Was ok tried to hang myself with phone cord on stairs well made noose got caught. Can't understand why sewctiopn not ill just chose die tried to jump matlock on 8. They want me to take meds but am fine x

de nada

I have decided to stop blogging now,

I took my son to school today it was nice but it is reminder over how much of his life Ive missed out on..what I am doing to him,

I have booked a hotel for tonight and I may not come back, til Ive sorted this in one way really. Been playin a song in my head


I started a joke
which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
that the joke was on me, oh no

I started to cry
which started the whole world laughing
Oh if I'd only seen
that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies
running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed
hurting my head
from things that I'd said

Till I finally died
which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen
that the joke was on me

The greater good.

When you know whatever you do is going to hurt people, you have to think of the greater good. Hurting the least people possible.

I take the original sin with me the evil potential...with my actions.

Don't worry I am fine ..I will be safe/fine.

. - Nothing more to say here, nothing I can say or would be fair to say....Wednesday I get to see son start school, holding on for that, a day I never thought I'd see.

I am not strong, if I appear it it is deceptive...only so much and so long one person can take it all. I resign to inevitability and futility.

another chaotic night

Last night wasnt good

I couldnt slow down or unjumble my thoughts, I decided to go out,

Drove to River Trent, drove down bank so as all I had to do was to drop handbrake

but...

I cant die, i wanted to die I neede to but couldnt ..rmember the hanging incident..there was a sevurity guard at local football ground and am sure he would have played hero...and then if i dont die, people get punished.thats how it works you see. Last week I didnt die..so all the floods in the US and then back in march the Tsunami,. I was very confused and I decided to cut my head open to relieve pressure..wanted to cut piece of skull, but it would only cut through scalp. I pondered going to A&E maybe something to calm me, but wouldnt go there, so rang night Crisis.


I tried to explain, but it got jumbled managed to explain who I was, where and why..they told me they were calling the police and asking them to put me on a S.136..I paniced and imagined the 6ft box with the shit everywhere.

So I drove off along the bank...they sent a police helicopter and car and I was made to go to the hospital..when I went before I was 136.


In hospital took them ages to see me, kept pacing, kept singing I dont know..eventually saw shrink and Crisis, rest is hazy remember shattering polestirine cups into fake snow shower. Remebr telling them everything, hanging etc..he asked what help I wanted I said nothing, nothing worng not ill.he told me I shouldnt have drove etc..

Now this is confusing cos Im sure they left and told me I could go home...so I went but when I got home 2 police officers where there telling me I needed to go back..I refused and they waited outside my house for 2 hours, they said they were ringing my husband (yh that will help). it was 7am by then and not been asleep now.

Anyhow cc rang me this morning, says cant understand was fine on phone to her..said I am lying either today or before, and that if dont want support why ring crisis? which is question, but I just wanted benzo really. anyhow she says will refere me to the crisis team, as no doubt I will ring them anyhow, they are going to ring me tommorow and visit if need and then she will review situation on monday.

I feel very silly about it all, and I hope it doesnt effect my discharge, cc says it wont.