Sometimes I feel like the world is moving too fast people are getting on with their lives and I'm stuck, stuck in inaction and disassociation. I can't help myself all I can do is watch as everything occurs around me and I do nothing except exist.
Other times like now I feel as though I am the one moving, I am the one whirring the one with the ideas the one with a sense of power and I want to speed other people and the world up too. In the last seven days I have slept for about 12 hours in total. If I'm honest I don't want to sleep, I feel it is a waste of time, time that could be spent on other things and projects, I long for sleep and yet I evade it I don't take the sleeping pills, assuming they won't work(they haven't before) and I drink coffee late into the night.

Tommorow I see my care Co-ordiantor, I am going to tell her I feel fine I no longer need her help and not sure I was ever ill. I will discuss with her my need if any at all for the CMHT.

Not long until my training lecture for Samaritans I have volunteered to be a telephone counsellor. On friday I was signed off from my usual work for two more weeks so hopefully will be able to do both jobs soon. And then look at applying to uni as think I would like a change of career.

I got this feeling, a feeling I can't describe a feeling something bad is lurking. A feeling I can't expell. An anxious feeling, a feeling of confusion. I just want to stop feeling and rest and sleep, but there never is any rest there never can be.

Just got back, been to Asda and Tesco,- weird there was no one there except a few drunks I could see the staff looking at me deciding if I was a druggie or drunk as why the hell was I there after 2 AM. I didnt have anything to buy so ended up buying four industrial size boxes of soap powder. 4 because there were 4 or I would probably have bought more. I now have enough washing powder to wash everyones washing on the street maybe thats an offer I will make tommorow. I nearly got stopped by police as I decided I would drive without car lights just for a change because I felt like it. I am in a counting mood at the moment counting the aisles in the supermarket, counting the streets I drove past anything really. there are 10 lines and 150 words in this post. And it's 3 AM. (154 words now)

Err, can't stop these feelings, can't stop wanting to run, anywhere, can't stop this restlessness can't stop the thoughts, can't stop this crap blog post, can't stop wanting to stop. and so it goes on. I need to get out out of the house, out of my head, out of my life. ERRRRRRrrr.

Word from my side is I'm still on the Depakote. I have to report no real side effects but also no positive change. In fact I do seem to have a sweet tooth s that could be the meds but then I have always be partial to a few biscuits (or a packet)

Yesterday spent whole day sat here:



Staring into here:



That was the extent of my world. I love open fires, something relaxing and almost hypnotising about them. I saw CC yesterday we talked a lot about my childhood. I don't really like to discuss it, it wasn;t particularly great but then having worked in child protection I know it could be a lot worse. I TRY not to let my background and the way I was treated effect who I am , if that is possible, probably not. she told me she had to discuss this with me whilst my mood is higher as when I'm depressed its like trying to talk to a brick and they can get nothing from me . Fair point.

Speaking of mood I have been edgy recently. I have spent a few hundred pounds on clothes for my son that he doesn't need. Money I don't have, money set aside for a wedding which didn;t take place in september due to a hurricane in Cuba and my illness. Last week I got plane tickets through for Paris which I had bought the same week of my london trip, the tickets were for today. I would have gone but I had not even spelt my name correctly on them. I can't remember booking them and they are non-refundable. On 26th november I am going for a meeting re training to be a Samaritan volunteer, this idea seemed good on applying.

Today I have been to town and seen my manager from work. She says that they are happy for me to have a bit more time off and see how the meds effect me before go back to work, as oc health have said if I go back and am signed off again within few weeks thats goodbye to me. Not sure what I should do. I feel fine at moment, and statutory sick pay has run out so I'm living on my savings at moment which are seriusly depleted but such is life . Mental illness and financial difficulty seem to go hand in hand that's just the way it is.

Opticians,Chemist, Town, Gym, Garage, Accidents and stuff

Busy day, went opticians, got prescription, been garage, went to town for 4 hours and been to gym. Just sat down for first time. But having spent the past few weeks doing not much else but staying in doors mostly sitting, it is a refreshing change.

My mum had an accident today fell out of loft and cracked head open had to go A and E, so that was a worry, however for once my brother offered to take her which was a relief on two accounts. Firstly, I have spent too much time up there recently, and secondly almost on a first name basis with the triage nurses, neither of which my mum knows about. I did slip up though as told her where to go to sign in etc and she said- how do you know? but think I managed to cover myself. I know you're probably wondering why I haven't told my mum. I have my reasons. Firstly, and quite sadly, I feel my mentalness would be a let down to her as out of my sibling I am the 'sucessful one' and secondly she tends to over-react. When she knew I was going up hospital to see cpn once she was sure I was being sectioned. If you think mentalness is nothing to be ashamed of then you tell that to the woman at the gym this evening who saw the scars on my arm and told me I was 'disgusting' - lucky for me and her I am in a place where I don't care what other people think only those close to me.

I digress, but sadly thoughts a little all over the place tonight.