Putting your faith in 21 little pills

So I had another low week


Things got pretty bad. I was feelin low on tuesday, I had tried to contact CC on 4 occasions, left message no response.So I went to collect my thoughts by the river at 2am ish(weds morn). I was suicidal, but wasnt planning on killing myself I knew that would take much more careful planning to ensure accurate completion. And I didn't have the necessary equiptment. However, I was distressed and realised that I needed help, so I rang a friend who was helpful but concerned and a long way away. She suggested- Crisis team, so I rang - Well done me hey, now I would get some help...

No not likely... the lady that answered took my name and then said. Oh its you I spoke with you 5 weeks ago when you were brought to AnE by the police. I said oh. I explained to her that although I wasn't imminently suicidal thoughts were strong and I had a plan which in my mind would be carried out once I decided on a date. She just said yes, yes, you told me that last time, you always seem to say these things.(last time I was high so find this hard to beieve) Do you know how you sound, do you realise how unfair it is to put this on me. I said 'I'm sorry I don't know what I'm being accused of' I was getting quite distressed she then said I souldn't keep saying I'm suicidal because one day I will be and no-one will believe me and I will be dead. I was told off for keep ringing I have rang 5 times in 2 years

I then explained to her, that I don't seem to be having any contact with CC and she is not responding to my calls, and my mum had rang with concerns about me and crisis had contacted her last time and still nothing. I told her I was sorry but I thought I was supposed to ring for support. She said it wasn't appropriate to ring so late. She did then try and help me by suggesting a bath at 2am?? and milky drink.

So I went home and I took...some clonazepam and got on with things and took more clonaz..... and then things got too much so I told my mum what had happened

My mum rang CC and spoke to her, she said that she doesn't do home visits and that I can ring her as its easier (even though I can't get hold of her and only have office number). So my mum rang crisis team and then duty worker at CMHT. I still had no contact from anyone. At 3.30pm CC rings has chat with me apparently she won't visit people as it's invading their space. She said she can offer me a fortnightly slot at CMHT but cant really do anything inbetween. I don't know.

On thursday I saw the Professor. He continued to be understanding I was honest with him. He said that he doesn't know if I can survive this period. He said most Bipolar suicides are within 3 years of diagnosis and I fit personality type. I appreciate that honesty but it just reaffirms my view. He agreed services have been poor but nothing he can do. He gave me a prescription for Quetiapine. Which supposed to help the depression. But I can't tolerate Quetiapine very well. And well I hate all meds. With thee Quetiapine that will be 21 pills a day. 6 lithium, 8 Valproate, 2-4 clonaz, 1 zolpidem and 2 quetiapine. I haven't disensed prescription

In short all they have is pills, pills, pills

I like my Plan better.

More Drama- and defective cogs

Well thought I would touch base with blog

Where to start so much has happened.

I have continued to see my my new Shrink a Bipolar specialist who re-diagnosed me with Bipolar 1 Rapid cycling. I have been taking large doses of both Lithium and Valproate along with clonazepam for anxiety.

Thing is I am finding it very difficult to concentrate and retain information. I think this is the meds. Therefore I am forgetting to take meds a lot which isn't ideal. Prof(shrink). knows about this and has advised me to do all I can to take them. Thing is he didn't lecture me , he is an excellent shrink who understands me and my moods better than anyone else ever has, I am lucky. (That is where the positive ends)

I am depressed. I can't see a reason to be here. I have nothing worthwile to give to the world. My new Shrink is great but all he has is meds not a magic wand, meds that seem to do little to give me equilibrium. I am a defective cog in the wheel of life.

Understand that for me its up or down no middle. I don't remember a day I felt ok. Not great, high fantastic but normal ok. I felt this way for week or so and then spending cuts come out and that ESA group is the one I am in. I have been on ESA for year now so I have to find a job?? I couldn't even do my course?? Who wants to employ someone too unstable for life or a hobby let alone a job.

So I took myself off to bridge on wednesday and I really wanted to die. I kissed my son, wrote my letters crept out at 2am and sat looking at water. I couldn't think of a reason. I wanted to live, I think, but needed one reason. I rang crisis for a reason and has some meaningless conversation.Line cut off. I got out of car and switched off engine. Anyway two police cars came. I got in car. Policewoamn was really nice told me I could either be escorted home or hospital. I chose home. They had at this stage also had police wake husaband up and were at my home - at about 3am-ish. They followed me home. waited for me to get out of car and then police said, right we want to put you on a S.136 of Mental Health Act for assesment with view to detention. I was panicing. I asked if I could say bye to husband as just outside house. They said no, but at that point he opened door an I jumped past them into house. Meaning no arrest as S.136 only applies to public places.
They waited outside house for while to catch me but I stayed home they then came back warned me to stay at home tonight and left.

Thing is I still can't find that reason. I have a new CC now, 3 weeks ago. I have only met her to pass me meds on tuesday. Yesterday was awful. I decided to ring her for support. She knew nothing of events. I told her, she said oh and she would see me as arraged in two weeks if I could come down there. So I have no support there. And I'm not sure what these people can do for me anymore. although for the crisis team to send police and insist I be arrested for assesment and I would have jumped. And then for there to be no follow up asesment/support for me -either in person or phone is inconsistent.

Put short there is little resources to go around both in mental health services and with regard to national spending. Why should I who has little to give back and ongoing needs be entitled/deserving of anything. I don't. I either accept my lot or quit the race.

Starting Lithium

So I took the Lithium last night. About 10pm. It was hard because I actually don't want to take it but know I don't have any other option. I am on a tightrope and need to be seen as compliant. I don't think I have a mood disorder or want stabilising.

I'm starting on 600mg a day. Today I have been very thirsty and a bit dizzy. But it has been hot and I didn't sleep last night.( Booking myself tickets to the old smoke but decided I better be in for Crisis visit don't want to ring alarm bells.......anymore alarm bells..anyway.) so who knows if this is side effect or situatonal.

I saw Crisis team, and it was ok. Apart from them telling husband about the TV thing and voice, but I managed to skirt around it. They asked him to ring them if I get high/risky over weekend. They asked me to ring, but I said I wouldn't on any circumstance. No point. But thanks anyway. He said that Shrink had put in her notes on both assesments that she really wanted me in hospital. And he reinforced that MHA assesments are a last resort if someone is very ill, and can't be managed in community. So apparently by logic - 2 assesments in 2 weeks. (8 in 18 months) I am VERY ill.(they think)

Anyway I am trying to convince myself to take 2nd set of 3 Lithium tablets. Which could take some convincing . So that's all for now.

The Guinea Pig - Medication and mindfulness

The medication is not going so well again I am feeling very nautious and I am dizzy when I stand up (postural hypotension)I also have muscle twitches and shakes. In fact its quite awful and I would be interested in hearing from anyone else who has tried Chlorpromazine.

I went to a compassion and mindfulness class today. The theory is that people need to be more mindful of the moment and tuning in to feelings and thoughts as we experience them. We focused on breathing and did some meditation. We also talked about being compassionate to oneself and not being self-critical and judgemental towards yourself. Something readers will know I struggle with. It was actually a good class and I am hoping some of the relaxation and meditation will help with my sleep issues.

I am just so fed up with these med changes, CC is going to try and get me an appointment with the Shrink this week to talk about what meds I should be on. I just don;t think I can handle anoter med. I have tried 15 different meds including the 3 sleeping meds. I think thats quite a lot in about 19 months. In fact I feel a bit like a guinea pig.

Well I got a home visit today from the shrink that was filling in for usual one I see. They agreed I had a severe reaction to the Trifluperazine. She Said she will not allow me back onto Depakote.

The options I was giving was Olanzapine or Chlorpromazine. Well I have have heard bad things about the weight gain particularly of Olanzapine. So I reluctantly agreed to try Chlorpromazine, at least until I see usual shrink in two weeks. Took first dose just now. Am aprehensive after what happened on last change, but was given little choice. Sick of these changes really. If this doesn;t work may give up on meds as had enough of it all.

On Positive put tree up tonight nice pretty lights!

What a Nightmare

Well went up to increased dosage of Trifluperazine on Thursday from 2mg to 5mg twice daily. Everything was going fine until about 5pm on friday when suddenly I was finding it very difficult to talk I was slurring. My tongue was swollen. I rang up NHS Direct and they told me to take an Antihistamine, and if it didn't go down go to A & E. Well I gave it about two hours and by 7 o clock my tongue was that swollen I could no longer talk, I couldn't even hold it in my mouth. So I went up to the hospital.

I was expecting to wait around to be told that I had to wait it out. But as soon as I got to the desk I was whisked off to resuscitation on a gernie. I was put on a drip hooked up to about four machines and an ECG. They said they were quite worried as could be a life threateneing reaction. They said they would monitor me for an hour or so and see if I could go home or not if went down. Then my jaw began to lock and I was in a lot of pain. After an hour and a half my tongue had gone down enough and I was allowed home but I still couldn't talk. I had to take sleeping pills to sleep that night.

The doctors said that the likelihood was it was a serious reaction to the Trifluperazine. So I have not dared to take anymore since friday. I will ring my CC tommorow. I am so angry becuase I didn't want to change meds in the first place. And now I have had no meds for few days. Feeling ok at the moment though. Damn Shrinks.

Reflection

16 months ago I was referred to Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Trust for postnatal depression/depression initially.

Since then I have been under the care of the Nottingham Crisis team, Stonebridge community mental Health team, back intermittently to Crisis and I am now under a specialist team called EIP- Early intervention in psychosis who are a team for people under 35 I think who are experiencing onset of psychosis for first time.

I have taken Citalopram, Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Sodium Valproate(depakote) several times, Quetiapine, Risperidone. Also Diazepam, Lorazepam, Temazepam, Clonazepam, Zopiclone, Zolpidem.

I have spent a total of eight weeks as an inpatient on a psychiatric assesment ward away from my family.

And where am I now????

I have a diagnosis. Rapid cycling Bipolar, which is preventing me from working(and I expect P45 shortly), at times from looking after my son from driving(I was told today for at least another six months). I am several thousand pounds less rich and I have alienated family and friends.

I hate it. it has stolen my life and even at the moment when mood is pretty high again I resent it bitterly. Last week I was very suicidal. Last two nights after no sleep and no quetiapine I am making imposible plans, making endless lists, dancing and look like complete opposite. thats how quick it changes. so how can I ever do more than take each day as it comes, which was ok a year ago but I need more. I don't think the NHS can help me all they can do is try and keep me alive.

So where will I be in another 16 months - Alive I hope but a fully functional stable member of society I have my doubts.

Tears and resolutions

Today have been tearful. I remember once as a child my Dad would say whatever happens you must never cry. There was physical consequences for this but I won't discuss that here. For once though I am letting the tears flow, well not so much letting as being unable to stop them.

I went to Shrink appointment and managed not to cry there. I told him I had stopped meds for few days. I told him about the thoughts and my low mood. We have decided that I just take the Depakote if I like, until next week and not the Quetiapine. As for my sleep he has prescribed me Clonazepam which I think this will work as it did in hospital. We will review this next week. I can ring Crisis if things get worse.

My CC is coming round tommorow to collect all my old meds I have horded particularly the 40 Zolpidem that play on my mind. I know this is sensible but I just don't want to give them up. If things get too bad they are my last way to silence the thoughts. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like I need to have them there. Will try and do the right thing.

Mood is still low here. My partner is off work this week which means I have to pretend that everything is ok, which makes being depressed twice as hard. On positive he gets son up so I can stay in bed in morning and let the Quetiapine wear off. I got out today and took son to park which was improvement on last week when I didnt leave the house for more than five minutes.
I have decided today that I may give up on medication. The Temazepam they prescribed me doesn't work. The only thing that did work to sedate was the Lorazepam and I am not allowed that because I have taken several overdoses before Care co-ordinator has visited, although I don't remember these. In fact I don't remember much lately and my concentration is poor at best. I think this is down to either the Quetiapine or the Depakote. I know Depakote is responsible for weight gain and hair loss I am experiencing and the Quetiapine is responsible for the lethargy and loss of mornings. So I have not taken tonights dosage and will see how a few days clear will go. Watch this space.

Unfit for forseeable future

Yesterday went to see new shrink,as my actual one is on holiday for a few weeks. I told him about my hair loss from the Depakote and he said he will reduce it and see how we go. I also told him sleep was a problem, I asked for some Temazepam and he said he will give me some in the short term. It should be dropped off tommorow so that will be good.

This week my mood has been low. Low enough for me to contemplate swallowing the sleeping tabolets I have -one zolpidem doesn't work but 36 might eh! and they're so easy to swallow being tiny. I have spent week on sofa, when I have to go out, to go nursery then I think people are watching me and I keep seing people I met in hospital, including staff. The shrink said that last time I went for appointment with my usual doctor I told her I was responsible for swine flu, I think I am more concerned at having no recollection of this than how dellusional it sounds. THE DRUGS ARE EATING MY BRAIN.

Today I went into work and saw occupational health, I told her I have every intention of coming back to work on the 4th september as need to get out of house and need money. She said sorry but she can't allow that as from what I am telling her about my memory and concentration and sleep she thinks it will make my condition worse, she said she will see me in a week but if no change she will advise mangers to not allow me back. I'm not sure what this will mean -I have been off work for five months since first hospitalised and before that I was only at work for few months after another six month break. Think they may try and dismiss me under capability. And so I am unfit for the forseeable future. Filled in my Employee support form over phone so will see how it goes.

Mood shifted sunday after my friends coaxed me out of the house to attend a spa session. All the different rooms, spas, saunas etc left me feeling vey relaxed but happy. It was the best 25.00 I've spent in ages. I'm telling you now, it was much more useful than the 8 sessions of CBT I was given back last year, and a whole lot cheaper. Maybe NHS should look into alternative therapies.

Anyway really feel quite good here, although heat becoming unbearable and keeping me in. Have decided to go back to work in a couple of weeks, need to discuss this with them, care co-ordinator and health team think this is too soon.

Am still getting jerks and tremors in my hands will discuss this with the shrink who I am seeing tommorow.

The revolving door

Since monday I was in hospital again. After my overdose of Lorazepam I had a review on the monday and it was decided that with my low mood and recent events I was too risky to be in the community. Same old really crap food, hard beds boring, boring , boring..Hourse spent staring at walls

I really am the revolving door patient at the moment. I am only out because I convinced my boyfriend to veto the section 3 for a treatment order for uo to six months.

Two doctors and a social worker thought I should be in hospital for up to six months. What does that tell you La-reve? Your ILL,Seriously, time to face the light of day. Yet I still think I am fine, I take there pills not because I think I'm ill but out of fear of their wards. What should I do with myself? Four admisissions in three months. But no, I know better. Hmm and they won't give me any benzo and am edgy and jittery , but when I do have the benzos then am a sedated zombie. I just want to live, a normal, balanced, average life. Is that too much? -To go back before IT arrived. Want to smash it out of me, cut it away but it is me and I am it. so to erradicate it would be to erradicate me~? Not sure, off to search for a benzo.

The price of mentalness

Well I went back for review on thursday to hospital and still not discharged. Yes, I am on leave which menas I am at home but its a kind of mental probation, they are keeping a close eye on me and one wrong step and I could be back inside,

On another note I have been feeling a bit paranoid this week, hence lack of posting, paranoid that workers are in collaboration to section me or put me back in hospital hence I was afraid to post as somewhere they have this address. Anyway they have increased my Depakote(sodium Valproate) to 1750 per day now to combat my moods.

The other thing is they did some tests and apparentley the Risperidone which is the drug I think has done the most for me has caused me to have an abnormal prolactin level of 3000 or more this I think is some hormone in your blood. The doctor said it can lead to osteoprosis, menstrual stoppage, infertility, and increase in chance of ovarian cancer. I said I was ok with this as he said I would only be on it short term but am I really ok with it .

Since starting meds I have already put on a stone, the Depakote is starting to cause its famous hair loss and with the new side effects in toll I ask what price should we pay for mental stability? Yes, it's priceless, yes I could potentially have jumped the car park and be dead and the drugs help combat these thoughts but being on meds is no walk in the park. I am now taking vitamin supplement for my hair loss, which brings total pill intake to 10 daily 3 Risperidone, 3 Depakote, 2 Clonazepam, 1vitamin, 1 zolpidem and sometimes eleven or twelve if I feel the need to take my Lorazepam. I bought a pill box the other day so I wouldn't have to keep popping the packs each night and the compartments turned out to be too small. I'm not sure whther I should go back to coping alone, but I tried that and those who read here know that wasn't exactly panning out. I could ask the doctor to change the meds but I have been on quite a few and each have their downfall. I'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils. Anyway hope everyone is enjoying the fine weather.

Acute care or no care

Two weeks ago today my consultant psychiatrist made the decision to try and section me or put nicer (I needed a full mental health act assesment as I would not go into hospital voluntarily) - The result was I was coerced into taking medication in order to stay in the community as I was 'very unwell' (their words) and needed emergency intervention.

I took their meds, which were to be brought to my house as and when needed for fear of me getting a little happy with the dosage. Anyway I ran out of them tuesday and despite me telling them I would need new meds yesterday at latest and a promise this would be sent to my new Care co-ordinator and meds would be with me before wednesday . I am med-less.

I did not have an official handover to Care Co-ordinator due to her being off sick last week and I have no idea when I am supposed to have a review with the psychiatrist next. In fact the only contact I have had with the CMHT since my assesment has been when I went down to the centre off my own back myself last week to see old CC. I'm starting to think I won't get a new CC.

I am confused. If I was so ill that I was considered to possibly need compulsary detention then where is the follow up? True I had a visit from crisis for two days immediately after but that was as useful as a chocolate fireguard. It's not that I consider myself ill, or that I want any intervention, but I am confused at the lack of consistency in my care. It seems to be acute care or no care. If meds were so important to keep me on, then where are they? It will be my third night without them tonight. I haven't slept in nearly 50 hours and I don't see the point in weaning myself back on them now. And then they wonder why I want to discharge myself.

My Epiphany

I haven't posted for a while because I have had to get my head around what happened last week. I think I have reached a turning point now. For the first time in a long while I can see myself getting better, not the 'I am great, never was ill' type of better which I often get when I am elated. But a doing my best with what I have better.

I didn't discharge myself from CMHT. I saw CC for the last time today. It went well. I felt very emotional about this, but in usual me fashion I held it together. I know it is not always the popular view in blogland to speak positviely of ones workers, but she has been my lifeline on more than a few occasions and will be greatly missed. Last week after the MHA assesment it was hard to see that the 6 months she has been visiting weekly, had been anything but fruitless. However, now things have simmered down, I know there has been positives. She has helped me understand there are risks to being elated as well as depressed and how I might manage these moods and risks. She has helped me see to a certain extent that until I can accept that I am ill, and take responsibility for getting well (stable anyway) then I will be stuck in this endless cycle. I understand this and am starting to work on it. Mostly, she has tought me through her honesty and patience that I can trust others, even MHS professionals (I know, shock horror!!)

So here goes, I am back on the Seroquel 300mg. Yes I swore I would never take meds but in the end, the path I was on was only ever going to lead to a sectioning or death and so meds are the least of these evils. Yes I am tired, yes I don't feel alive until lunch and yes my cognition feels very slow. But I feel calmer and no longer need to do everything and anything. I am giving my brain the space it needs to rebuild and move on. If I have to have a chemical push along the way is it really that bad?. I see it as a temporary neccesity, there are people who depend on the reliable, sane La-reve and without meds I can't be what they or I need.

So there you are, my epithany, well not really, but maybe it took to nearly being sectioned for me to realise I was on a self-destructive path. I have changed path now but it is a long hard walk home. There may be de-tours, there may be road blocks but I will return. The destination may have changed but I will know home when I get there, and I will never venture out alone again.

SEROQUEL was a nightmare.

Had a really bad day yesterday. Wednesday night as planned I took the Seroquel I've been prescribed. I'm to start on 300mg. I took it at 10.30pm as supposed to take on emty stomach and had ate at 7. Anyway all was well didn't make me tired at first but eventually got to sleep about 1 am.

Anyway was supposed to wake at 7am get up, get son ready and get to work. But I overslept and didn't wake until 8am, I tried to get out of bed and fell over. I couldn't co-ordinate my legs and things were blurry and I felt extremely tired and drunk almost. So I rang work and told them I'm not coming in - except took ages to get the words out and make them understand as slurry. I then had to get my son up, kept having to lie down in between as felt really sick, somehow got him up the road and to nursery, ran home collapsed in bed and slept until 3pm. It was about 7pm before I could do anything as I was dead to the world before.

It was not a nice experience, I don't know how people manage to cope with everyday life while on these meds, or maybe the side effects slow down - but what am I supposed to do in the meantime. I was on a no sickness in 3 month agreement and I will probably lose my job over yesterday's absence.

I didn't take any last night as couldn't miss work again. I felt a lot better today than yesterday but still groggy, but I am going to give them another try tonight and see how I get on - I may just take half though. But if it continues I will have to banish yet another med. Watch this Space.

How much is mental health worth?

First day back at work and it went very well. Ok I was struggling with concentration after few hours and I got headache as my office is very loud but I did my 4 hours and I am still here.

In fact going back to work has put me in a bit of a spin. I am going out tommorow night into town for first time in ages. I have started researching a internet business I might be starting. I have been spending (yes got to stop that one). I came home and cooked fish pie from scratch and there is apple crumble in the oven.

I have been med free for seven days and no side effects noted as expected. I am starting to think they gave me a placebo or something. I am still pretty pissed that the GP changed the Depakote to Convulex causing horrible sedation and forcing me to drop meds cold turkey. Depakote - approx 35p per pill and convulex 16p per pill. Gets me thinking what is the cost of our mental health? what are we worth? how much can be spent on us?. Obviously I am not worth 19p extra per pill. I bet the GP will be sleeping soundly now I am med free, and no longer burdening her quota.

I guess our NHS isn't a bottomless pit. But if I was diabetic, would they say insulin is too expensive here take some paracetamol, I think not. If I broke my leg would they say plaster casts are pricey here's some paper mache knock yourself out. A crass comparison I know but I don't like to be made to feel like Oliver Twist begging services for their NHS gruel.

Anyway, I will see how this being back to work and being med free pans out, at least until I see Shrink next thursday.

Goodbye NHS I'm moving on.

I having taking Depakote for a week now. Not convinced it;s doing me any good though as my mood has been more erractic this week. Not sure if it's just the way my mood is but I am feeling quite angry again this time it is directed at illness and partly NHS. I was talking with my friend and we decided that since I was reffered to MHS back in May I have seen no improvements at all and in fact illness and things have got worse. Now I'm sure my CC or whoever will say that it the natural progression of the illness and would have been this way whether under their care or not.

I know they think I am now Bipolar because of the mood swings but I think it is because I am so mixed up and fed up with recent goings on. I have had 4 med changes in 6 months, 3 different diagnosis. been seen by first the healthvisitor then a CPN from Crisis then transferred to CMHT Care co-ordinator. So I think I am lacking a bit of consitency which is causing the not knowing whther coming or going feeling.

I'm not sure I ever was ill , or not as ill as they are making out, I feel I am being compartmentalised so they can shoove me with a diagnosis, a load of meds and say 'there you go- now get on with you rlife'. which is all well and good but they don't have to deal with repercussions of side-effects from meds and job limitations with such a medical history.

And so I have decided that I am going to discharge myself from the community mental health team, and try and take back my life before there is nothing left to take back. I do wonder if this is the right decisions but given the last 6 months had I been doing it alone couldn;t have been worse so why use the resources??

Royal toilet paper and such.

Well the Depakote has started to give me some side-effects which I won't go into other than perhaps to say gastrointestinal. I am also getting quite bad stomach cramp and my co-ordination is off.

I am continuing to feel very anxious. I just had to stop myself buying a ticket to Edinburgh and if I didn't have my son I would be off anyway and everywhere like a shot. But I have responsibilities and that keeps me grounded. I guess I will have to settle for some more furniture arranging or something. Perhaps I will go out for drive or to one of those 24 hour supermarkets.

I am nearly out of meds as they gave me seven day supply and cant get into GP until wednesday so I am going to have to get an emergency appointment tommorow. This will involve ringing at 8.30 am and explaining why I need to be seen that day. And also why it has to be by the doctor I usually see. Not very rewarding particularly when I attend same receptionist gives me a look for not coughing and spluttering everywhere and not looking ill enough.

I can see more retail therapy on cards, maybe some new sofas. Part of me won't be happy until I have spent every last penny I have saved over last two years. But what is money except a piece of paper, no different from the one you wipe your arse on, except that the queens head happens to be on it. (actually would be more rewarding for her head to be on the other tyoe as well) but just my opinion.

I have now completed my christmas shopping, hurrah, I feel smugly organised and content, although perhaps wont be able to risk buying little extras, whilst the bank hasn't reclaimed my cards yet.

Word from my side is I'm still on the Depakote. I have to report no real side effects but also no positive change. In fact I do seem to have a sweet tooth s that could be the meds but then I have always be partial to a few biscuits (or a packet)

Yesterday spent whole day sat here:



Staring into here:



That was the extent of my world. I love open fires, something relaxing and almost hypnotising about them. I saw CC yesterday we talked a lot about my childhood. I don't really like to discuss it, it wasn;t particularly great but then having worked in child protection I know it could be a lot worse. I TRY not to let my background and the way I was treated effect who I am , if that is possible, probably not. she told me she had to discuss this with me whilst my mood is higher as when I'm depressed its like trying to talk to a brick and they can get nothing from me . Fair point.

Speaking of mood I have been edgy recently. I have spent a few hundred pounds on clothes for my son that he doesn't need. Money I don't have, money set aside for a wedding which didn;t take place in september due to a hurricane in Cuba and my illness. Last week I got plane tickets through for Paris which I had bought the same week of my london trip, the tickets were for today. I would have gone but I had not even spelt my name correctly on them. I can't remember booking them and they are non-refundable. On 26th november I am going for a meeting re training to be a Samaritan volunteer, this idea seemed good on applying.

Today I have been to town and seen my manager from work. She says that they are happy for me to have a bit more time off and see how the meds effect me before go back to work, as oc health have said if I go back and am signed off again within few weeks thats goodbye to me. Not sure what I should do. I feel fine at moment, and statutory sick pay has run out so I'm living on my savings at moment which are seriusly depleted but such is life . Mental illness and financial difficulty seem to go hand in hand that's just the way it is.