5th November - Firework

It all goes up with a bang.

Everything

All my lifes hopes, dreams, aspirations.

Family, friends...jobs...money....

FUTURE

One loud crashing bang and its gone, forgotten a big expensive waste

and you can never dazzle and amaze again you are empty and useless





They tell you you can be re-used or perhaps recycled into loo-roll or such.
But can a firework ever be just loo roll??

They all step round you because they remember how you went off and you still look dangerous. One day soon after its died down you will be disposed of.

Putting your faith in 21 little pills

So I had another low week


Things got pretty bad. I was feelin low on tuesday, I had tried to contact CC on 4 occasions, left message no response.So I went to collect my thoughts by the river at 2am ish(weds morn). I was suicidal, but wasnt planning on killing myself I knew that would take much more careful planning to ensure accurate completion. And I didn't have the necessary equiptment. However, I was distressed and realised that I needed help, so I rang a friend who was helpful but concerned and a long way away. She suggested- Crisis team, so I rang - Well done me hey, now I would get some help...

No not likely... the lady that answered took my name and then said. Oh its you I spoke with you 5 weeks ago when you were brought to AnE by the police. I said oh. I explained to her that although I wasn't imminently suicidal thoughts were strong and I had a plan which in my mind would be carried out once I decided on a date. She just said yes, yes, you told me that last time, you always seem to say these things.(last time I was high so find this hard to beieve) Do you know how you sound, do you realise how unfair it is to put this on me. I said 'I'm sorry I don't know what I'm being accused of' I was getting quite distressed she then said I souldn't keep saying I'm suicidal because one day I will be and no-one will believe me and I will be dead. I was told off for keep ringing I have rang 5 times in 2 years

I then explained to her, that I don't seem to be having any contact with CC and she is not responding to my calls, and my mum had rang with concerns about me and crisis had contacted her last time and still nothing. I told her I was sorry but I thought I was supposed to ring for support. She said it wasn't appropriate to ring so late. She did then try and help me by suggesting a bath at 2am?? and milky drink.

So I went home and I took...some clonazepam and got on with things and took more clonaz..... and then things got too much so I told my mum what had happened

My mum rang CC and spoke to her, she said that she doesn't do home visits and that I can ring her as its easier (even though I can't get hold of her and only have office number). So my mum rang crisis team and then duty worker at CMHT. I still had no contact from anyone. At 3.30pm CC rings has chat with me apparently she won't visit people as it's invading their space. She said she can offer me a fortnightly slot at CMHT but cant really do anything inbetween. I don't know.

On thursday I saw the Professor. He continued to be understanding I was honest with him. He said that he doesn't know if I can survive this period. He said most Bipolar suicides are within 3 years of diagnosis and I fit personality type. I appreciate that honesty but it just reaffirms my view. He agreed services have been poor but nothing he can do. He gave me a prescription for Quetiapine. Which supposed to help the depression. But I can't tolerate Quetiapine very well. And well I hate all meds. With thee Quetiapine that will be 21 pills a day. 6 lithium, 8 Valproate, 2-4 clonaz, 1 zolpidem and 2 quetiapine. I haven't disensed prescription

In short all they have is pills, pills, pills

I like my Plan better.

The crap that no-one wants to step in (No picture attached)

I could say I was struggling here. But struggling doesn't cut it really. It's more passive than that. I have lost the will to struggle, I am drowning. I know I am but there is almost a calm aceptance of this. No resistance.

I am in some kind of hell, since my Mental Health Act assesment,

What happened was I spent the whole of last weekend unable to eat, sleep, wash, leave bed or talk really. All I wanted was for them to leave the house so I could use my noose or some pills or something to end the torment. Crisis rang, but I was unable to put in words my distress. then this week happened:-

Monday-
I packed my son off to my mums. Intending to kill myself. Except I sat for a few hours looking at the rope, and all I could see was my little boys face and how he was three on thursday and needed me there. So I decided I would live to see him turn three. However the intrusive thoughts got stronger so I knew I needed support. I tried ringing my care co-ordinator who wouldn't answer. So I figured it was due to the dispute over confidentiality. So I rang the MH team and asked for Duty worker, I spoke to someone who said I had to speak to A- my CC. I sent A several texts but no reply. I took some clonaz which helped little. approx four hours later she text saying no longer wished to act as my CC and need to speak to duty worker. I was pretty desperate by this stage and with no support rang crisis, who told me they could do nothing as they do out-of-hours calls only. I took more sleeping tablets and managed to blot the thoughts and day away. I had asked for support all day
none was fothcoming. I was suffering paranoia over leaving house so A and E not option.

Tuesday-
Someone from team comes round explains A will have nothing more to do with me. Not to contact her. Doesn't know when will get new CC. Says can contact duty worker. I explained this got me no where . He claims I never rang anyone. This leaves me feeling like the crap that no one wants to step in. Come to realisation even workers don't think I am worth helping. feelings of guilt, lead me to ring suicide line. I text CC to say I will make contact with GP as no support offered. No reply. Late tuesday get call saying someone will come see me on friday to take over CC role.

Wednesday- Heavily sedate myself and cry all day. Screaming, crying wanting to get out my own skin. Cursing my family and son for providing me with the guilt and reason to go on.

Thursday-
Son turns three. I made it. I manage to put on clothes and drive to park where I hide in car and toilets crying whilst husband, takes son on ride. Come home. Can't sleep. Wonder why CC can't even tell me, or answer phone to tell me she doesn't wants to work with me.

Friday- have son at home. New worker tries to call. I don't have energy or feel strong enough to speak to stranger. Mum comes and takes son to hers. I want to kill myself- give in- I feel relief. Nothing lefft to sedate these feelings. I decide to do it. but new worker comes round I answer door. She seems ok but don't have strength to let someone into my life. I explain that things won't get better, can't get better and I've given up fight. I explain that I was pretty low but CC refusal to at least work with me until new worker came along. My lack of support for week following MHA assesment and to do usual handover dual visit has intensified things. She tells me CC refuses to make contact. After she leaves mum brings son home.Husband gets in and I go bed.

Saturday (today) -
Wake up , receive letter from CC. Explaining that she can't work with me as I refuse to be honest and undermine her at every opportunity. See I knew I was bad and worthless. I try and write some kind of response. But extremeley upset.a Do explain that I don't want a new CC as they are never there when needed Feel like I am being kicked whilst down. And sink even lower. I am poison, everyone who comes into contact can see it no one wants to be around me. I am the crap that lingers on the sidewalk to be stepped around until some poor soul is lumbered with its disposal.

And that is where I am at now. I made it to see my son turn three. But I am too tired to soldier on. I have a plan now. It can't take effect until tuesday or this wednesday as I am not alone until that time. This is not illness talking it is a rational solution to a complex problem. I can't really write more because it may be read and used against me. But how hard the next few days will be.

And Atos want me to attend medical on monday, CC was supposed to attend that but is another thing she now is unable to do. No one can go with me. I can't go alone. And well it won't matter anyway. I wont live to see that benefit stopped. No one wants to live to be penniless- so its another nail.

P.S- Thank you for comments on previous posts which I read but am unable to reply to at present.