Ok at the beginning of the week I set myself some goals.
1. Do not get assessed under MENTAL HEALTH ACT (not wishing to set records here)
Well no assesment which is very good happy there. (PASS)
2.Do NOT say anything which warrants being assessed/sectioned/detained.
Avoided a lot of contact and definitely was more guarded. Didn't get assessed/detained so I'm taken this as a win (PASS)
3. Try not to end up with Crisis team next weekend(this weekend)
No crisis just a peaceful (well apart from head noise) weekend (PASS)
4.Resist impulse to go off somewhere or impulse buy.
Mediocre buys but one impulsive trip to London on tuesday -whih would have been a longer trip if found accomodation. so I guess (FAIL)
5.Stay in community
Yey- I'm here still and if my request s accepted will be discharged this week so another (PASS)
There you go 4 out of 5 isn't bad compared to last week. Think there might be something in this goal setting malarky.
Anyway in general mood news. I had a very difficult friday night where I worried my husband enough to want to call ambulance for my safety but I managed to calm down via Clonazepam. Last night was ok. Feel my mood may be shifting again. Team are having meeting tommorow to see if I can be discharged so anxious about that. But a better week I feel.
Showing posts with label mania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mania. Show all posts
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, May 9, 2009
How I ended up in hospital - Again
Thank you all for your kind comments on my previous posts. I am so lucky to have found blogland and all your blogs and such kind readers/friends. I am home on weekend leave go back sunday and I officially get discharged next friday all being hunky dory(theres a phrase not used in a while).
Anyway thought I would do a post where do I start well I guess at the beginning how I was picked up and co-erced into the Nottingham psychiatric assesment ward again.
It was thursday 2nd april I had been out of hospital a week and decided to go into town to look around I went into gardening store and bought some grass seed and decided to go home and cut my grass and put some seed down etc. I even bought gardening gloves and everything.So I had every intention of going back to usual everyday life after my jump. Anyway next thing I know I was back on top of the multi storey car park I had been picked up on twice before. I must have been there a while I don't know If I went there to jump but the thoughts were in my head so much so that I rang my care co-ordinator. I tried to tell her how insecure I felt how I felt that on the verge of something bad happening that in my head I had already decided I was becoming special like invincible , that I had been to high buildings ready to leap and prove the theory but she didn't seem concerned or maybe I was to bliase and she just thought I was saying it for effect. I didn't tell her where I was, but I told her I was in a busy place and should I go to A and E as I thought I would be going to car park again otherwise she just asked why I was ringing her as there was nothing she could do about it.
The rest is a blur, I just know the next thing I was on edge of the highest multi storey car park in Nottingham city centre again overlooking oncoming heavy traffic. And the police were there I tried to run but was caught and grabbed and forced into the car like a criminal. I was taken to the local holding cells again where this time I had to have a FULL ( I mean FULL body search) give up laces belts, bobbles, any belongings(bag of grass ha ha - that was a comedy moment) and wait 5 hours for the privelage of my 4th MHA assesment in 5 weeks.
I remember pacing around in the cells, I rememeber continually pressing the call button, asking for the police codes and making paper planes with them. I stood on the toilet at one point so that when they looked in they thought I had hung myself and alarms were pressed (yes I was slightly high).
Anyway after 5 hours I was summoned to a room where there was a GP , A crisis team worker, a social worker, A shrink and my own shrink I had seen earlier that day. When I saw her I knew I was going down. Questions were asked why was I up there. And I will share with you the reason. because I was Invincible because to me it never entered my head that jumping from a 6 storey car park roof to the floor would do me the slightest harm, because no-one would believe me, because I needed to proove this by jumping, and because the thoughts egging me to jump wouldn't die until I did jump. Why Me, why was (I) Invincible because I had a purpose to have a child that would save the world . I would conceive this child this year and until then I couldn't and wouldn't die. So Why not jump?
It wasn't just that I felt special I hadn't slept in about a week , I had barely ate and everything seemed to be whiring, the thoughts were racing in my head and I didn't have the power to stop them. Even If I had the power I wouldn't have, as on top of that car park feeling invincible. I WAS GOD. In my own warped mind I was the only one in the world with the special privelage and power who WOULD choose to give that up. Even now I mourn it slightly only knowing the risk that came with it do I know I was ill.
I was asked to leave the room as they decided what to do with me it didn't take long for me to come back in and them tell me that I needed to be back in hosiptal for a longer period of assesment. They thought I might have Bipolar Affective Disorder a diagnosis now confirmed (I will discuss in another post) and that I would be placed under a section 2 lasting 28 days. I started panicking and pleaded and eventually was allowed to go voluntary to the ward as long as I agreed not to keep asking to leave and work with staff I agreed and was taken by police escort back to the ward I had only been on the week previous. As it turned out I would have been out earlier on a section 2 anyway. That it how I got back in hospital and a long enough post the rest I will post in my next chapter when I am back out.
Anyway thought I would do a post where do I start well I guess at the beginning how I was picked up and co-erced into the Nottingham psychiatric assesment ward again.
It was thursday 2nd april I had been out of hospital a week and decided to go into town to look around I went into gardening store and bought some grass seed and decided to go home and cut my grass and put some seed down etc. I even bought gardening gloves and everything.So I had every intention of going back to usual everyday life after my jump. Anyway next thing I know I was back on top of the multi storey car park I had been picked up on twice before. I must have been there a while I don't know If I went there to jump but the thoughts were in my head so much so that I rang my care co-ordinator. I tried to tell her how insecure I felt how I felt that on the verge of something bad happening that in my head I had already decided I was becoming special like invincible , that I had been to high buildings ready to leap and prove the theory but she didn't seem concerned or maybe I was to bliase and she just thought I was saying it for effect. I didn't tell her where I was, but I told her I was in a busy place and should I go to A and E as I thought I would be going to car park again otherwise she just asked why I was ringing her as there was nothing she could do about it.
The rest is a blur, I just know the next thing I was on edge of the highest multi storey car park in Nottingham city centre again overlooking oncoming heavy traffic. And the police were there I tried to run but was caught and grabbed and forced into the car like a criminal. I was taken to the local holding cells again where this time I had to have a FULL ( I mean FULL body search) give up laces belts, bobbles, any belongings(bag of grass ha ha - that was a comedy moment) and wait 5 hours for the privelage of my 4th MHA assesment in 5 weeks.
I remember pacing around in the cells, I rememeber continually pressing the call button, asking for the police codes and making paper planes with them. I stood on the toilet at one point so that when they looked in they thought I had hung myself and alarms were pressed (yes I was slightly high).
Anyway after 5 hours I was summoned to a room where there was a GP , A crisis team worker, a social worker, A shrink and my own shrink I had seen earlier that day. When I saw her I knew I was going down. Questions were asked why was I up there. And I will share with you the reason. because I was Invincible because to me it never entered my head that jumping from a 6 storey car park roof to the floor would do me the slightest harm, because no-one would believe me, because I needed to proove this by jumping, and because the thoughts egging me to jump wouldn't die until I did jump. Why Me, why was (I) Invincible because I had a purpose to have a child that would save the world . I would conceive this child this year and until then I couldn't and wouldn't die. So Why not jump?
It wasn't just that I felt special I hadn't slept in about a week , I had barely ate and everything seemed to be whiring, the thoughts were racing in my head and I didn't have the power to stop them. Even If I had the power I wouldn't have, as on top of that car park feeling invincible. I WAS GOD. In my own warped mind I was the only one in the world with the special privelage and power who WOULD choose to give that up. Even now I mourn it slightly only knowing the risk that came with it do I know I was ill.
I was asked to leave the room as they decided what to do with me it didn't take long for me to come back in and them tell me that I needed to be back in hosiptal for a longer period of assesment. They thought I might have Bipolar Affective Disorder a diagnosis now confirmed (I will discuss in another post) and that I would be placed under a section 2 lasting 28 days. I started panicking and pleaded and eventually was allowed to go voluntary to the ward as long as I agreed not to keep asking to leave and work with staff I agreed and was taken by police escort back to the ward I had only been on the week previous. As it turned out I would have been out earlier on a section 2 anyway. That it how I got back in hospital and a long enough post the rest I will post in my next chapter when I am back out.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Even I'm confused
Well I was back at the airport last night, no where else to go and had to get out of the house. For a while I actually thought I had a flight to catch like I was going some where for a business meeting, except I wasnt and I don't have a business.
I don't work mondays it is my stay at home mum day. So I am looking after my son and he is destroying everything the way toddlers do.
I am really struggling with sleep. Everytime I try and get to sleep I get this feeling, a feeling of being smothered and I wake again. I feel so edgy and I am dreading going to work tomorrow even though it is only for a few hours. I feel the thoughts slowly returning to me- thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness and I can't cope with having to be ok, having to make work, work, everything work.
I am confused as well, confused about my illness, whether I am ill and even just looking at my son now it's as if he is a stranger to me, everyone is a stranger especially the person staring back at me in the mirror. I have this floaty feeling like I am a ghost and no-one can really see me, because I don't exist, because I never did.
I don't work mondays it is my stay at home mum day. So I am looking after my son and he is destroying everything the way toddlers do.
I am really struggling with sleep. Everytime I try and get to sleep I get this feeling, a feeling of being smothered and I wake again. I feel so edgy and I am dreading going to work tomorrow even though it is only for a few hours. I feel the thoughts slowly returning to me- thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness and I can't cope with having to be ok, having to make work, work, everything work.
I am confused as well, confused about my illness, whether I am ill and even just looking at my son now it's as if he is a stranger to me, everyone is a stranger especially the person staring back at me in the mirror. I have this floaty feeling like I am a ghost and no-one can really see me, because I don't exist, because I never did.
Monday, December 1, 2008
A new week ahead
Well it is sunday night, well I suppose officially it is monday morning. I have had a really good weekend on the whole, got a lot done including wrapping all the christmas presents I have bought, more cleaning, and put up my christmas tree.
Its lovely having my tree to look at, I do like the lights, brightens up the room and makes it seem all the more cosy next to my open fire.
This week have a fair bit on, tommorow I am seeing my Care Co-ordinator. Tuesday I am going into work to see the occupational terapist/nurse about whether I am fit for work, and all being good I am returning to work again on thursday. Last week I had my last session of CBT so free up wednesday. I got 8 sessions of CBT I think thats all they offer up here, and although few of the sessions were useful, how can you make real changes in 8 sessions? so have mixed feelings - but that's another post.
Right now- I have MTV Dance on, I have always liked a wide choice of music and the music I listen to is probably a good sign of my mood. I would normally have gone 24hr store for browsing and shopping but sunday so no where open. Also I have been over-spenidng big time recently. I will prob just wait for sunrise and new day.
One thing really bothering me is twitching under my eye, won't go away for last day or so, anyone know what causes this, and how to get rid of it?
Its lovely having my tree to look at, I do like the lights, brightens up the room and makes it seem all the more cosy next to my open fire.
This week have a fair bit on, tommorow I am seeing my Care Co-ordinator. Tuesday I am going into work to see the occupational terapist/nurse about whether I am fit for work, and all being good I am returning to work again on thursday. Last week I had my last session of CBT so free up wednesday. I got 8 sessions of CBT I think thats all they offer up here, and although few of the sessions were useful, how can you make real changes in 8 sessions? so have mixed feelings - but that's another post.
Right now- I have MTV Dance on, I have always liked a wide choice of music and the music I listen to is probably a good sign of my mood. I would normally have gone 24hr store for browsing and shopping but sunday so no where open. Also I have been over-spenidng big time recently. I will prob just wait for sunrise and new day.
One thing really bothering me is twitching under my eye, won't go away for last day or so, anyone know what causes this, and how to get rid of it?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Up and about, been cleaning again, hazards of having toddler. I am dropping him off at nursery and then heading out shopping need to spend some money today. Also need to get car fixed and choose glasses and oh probably pick up my meds. Thought I'd have a song today, listening to this yesterday and one of my favs, also my CC fav which is slightly weird. I guess I suspect her to like Neil Diamond or something . Anyway.
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