These nights are killing me.

Saw CPN today she said how pleased she was that things were going better for me and how weell I seemed. And yes I am better, at least I am in the day. But it's these nights they're killing me. I can't sleep, I feel so anxious, I have to go out, I get up then sit down then get up...... I dance,cook,clean...

I think up ideas ..maybe I will go college in september, maybe I will get signed back on and go back to work earlier. Maybe I will look for new work, maybe I will start a business, become self employed.. Ideas that never take hold or come to anything.

I can't sleep, the Quetiapine doesn't render sleep anymore. I feel tired all day, but have my son to look after then when he is in bed and I could sleep, it's like somebody switches the lights on and this energy comes. Last night I took Diazepam and Lorazepam and still I didn't sleep. It's no wonder the days pass by like dreams, dreams that can be remembered only once you awake and are then forgotten forever. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Sleep

Sleep, is a pain in my side. I can never get the right amount. I'm not sure what the right amount is. is it ok to have two hours, if you feel energetic and awake after it? How do you stop the thoughts and give in to that peaceful black.

Every health car worker I have seen has always rammed home the importance that I sleep and I know I do some really risky and odd things after not sleeping for a while. I even collapsed in hospital after 5 days of no sleep but I have a confession to make. I fight the sleep. I think most of the time I don;t want the pills to relax me I want to be awake - almost like its a power I don't want to relinquish the superhuman ability to stay awake. does that sound odd? I guess it does.

It's not all the time, there are a lot of frustrated nights when I am up and down in and out of bed trying to clear my mind but once the thoughts kick in they take priority over the sleep and sleep becomes such a waste of my time and energy.

Well you see it's past 1 am now and tonight is a racing thought night, I could take Lorazepam, I should. Will I though? Maybe. I can hear the shrink question at hospital review next week. And did you take the lorazepam, 'yes doctor, for racing thoughts and insomnia' hmm - we won't discharge you just yet another week, and we'll see. Will I ever be free of that place? Also I am playing roulette with med taking one day i'll take them the next day I 'forget' - Inability to make decisions didn't I read that in some diagnostic criteria for something or other. Goodnight and good morning all.

Insomnia

I have been awake for over 68 hours now. No sleep at all for the last three days not even a nap and rapidly approaching day four. Last time I got to day four I became quite unwell.

I have dull headache and keeps seeing things floating mostly spots but I did see a bird in the house, and things are quite warped and far away. Maybe its the lack of sleep or the Seroquel withdrawal. I will have to chase the CMHT tommorow but my concern is I will now have to start the getting used to the meds from day one again and if this is what withdrawal after nearly two weeks is like then what will it be like if I took it for longer.

I could see my GP but they will refer me back to CMHT
I haven't contacted them because
a) I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to
b) I'm worried they will use being off meds and recent effects to try and section me again.

This weekend my partner and I are supposed to be going to Stratford upon Avon for weekend on own. It's booked, but I don't think I will have the energy or concentration to drive. And what will I do if I can't sleep in the hotel room, with no net or other things to occupy?

I just feel like I'm floating now, maybe I'll float somewhere nice and rest there a while

EDIT: Rang CMHT they are supposed to be coming round with my medication today. However, I am just about to leave for an Occy helath appointment at work. I would be worried if I felt alive enough for emotions.

Loneliness

I can’t sleep I didn’t take my Seroquel and I have withdrawal insomnia.

Sitting here alone whilst the house and world seems so quiet I have nothing to do but think. I came to the realisation of how lonely I am. I have spent too many nights sat up alone, listening to ticking clocks and counting down hours and despite my time googling or in blogland I am isolated and alone. As much as I feel a connection to those who blog or comment or read I am here and you are there and there is limit to the connection. Those who know me in real terms don’t understand me, can’t, can never comprehend how it feels to be this way. Don’t know because I don’t tell them – don’t know because they can only empathise and it’s not enough. I miss my friends, friends who never call anymore. Friends who get angry when I do silly things or end up at hospital, friends who avoid awkward conversations and questions by avoiding me.

When I was young, I wanted so much to stand out from the crowd to be different, unique. And now the only thing that makes me stand out and different is MY ILLNESS. And so now all I want is to be another face in the crowd , another rational, sane average Jo or Joan. Ironic isn’t it?

And so I blog, and I’m not really sure to what purpose. To make sense of things? To record events and moods? To get out what I could never say to anyone?. Partly all of these but mostly because nobody wants to be a lone raft in an endless ocean. Yet, with all the beacons of blogland and with all my endless ramblings I have never felt more alone then how I feel right now. And with the thought that I may never cure the illness, how can I cure loneliness?

I feel this is the way my life will be from now on. Some kind of double life. Happy and easy-going, putting on a brave face to everyone during the day, and melancholic at nights and when alone. A dual identity. A kind of warped super hero but without the powers. If no man/woman is an island I am doing a good job at it. Maybe I have built my own walls around me and now no one can enter. But even if they could I doubt they would. These should be some of the best years of my life and yet I can’t help but wish them away, but when you are awake for days on end they drag on and on. A week is an eternity and that’s a lot of silent hours. To finish a quote:

I fear me this -- is Loneliness --
The Maker of the soul
Its Caverns and its Corridors
Illuminate -- or seal –
Emily Dickinson

Even I'm confused

Well I was back at the airport last night, no where else to go and had to get out of the house. For a while I actually thought I had a flight to catch like I was going some where for a business meeting, except I wasnt and I don't have a business.

I don't work mondays it is my stay at home mum day. So I am looking after my son and he is destroying everything the way toddlers do.

I am really struggling with sleep. Everytime I try and get to sleep I get this feeling, a feeling of being smothered and I wake again. I feel so edgy and I am dreading going to work tomorrow even though it is only for a few hours. I feel the thoughts slowly returning to me- thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness and I can't cope with having to be ok, having to make work, work, everything work.

I am confused as well, confused about my illness, whether I am ill and even just looking at my son now it's as if he is a stranger to me, everyone is a stranger especially the person staring back at me in the mirror. I have this floaty feeling like I am a ghost and no-one can really see me, because I don't exist, because I never did.

Sleep evades me once again. I just been to Asda for some fish for tommorow dinner and 100 blokes queing for a new game on xbox or something, two got into fight and there was blood and police and stuff. Got serious headache now -maybe lack of sleep and son will be awake in 3 and half hours.

I have been awake for roughly last 72 hours, I missed doctors this morning as taking son to nursery so will have to ring first thing tommorow, just taken latest peachy pill.

Just got back, been to Asda and Tesco,- weird there was no one there except a few drunks I could see the staff looking at me deciding if I was a druggie or drunk as why the hell was I there after 2 AM. I didnt have anything to buy so ended up buying four industrial size boxes of soap powder. 4 because there were 4 or I would probably have bought more. I now have enough washing powder to wash everyones washing on the street maybe thats an offer I will make tommorow. I nearly got stopped by police as I decided I would drive without car lights just for a change because I felt like it. I am in a counting mood at the moment counting the aisles in the supermarket, counting the streets I drove past anything really. there are 10 lines and 150 words in this post. And it's 3 AM. (154 words now)