How my life can change in a week.
Well I never tested invincibility. Well I did go and try to but got picked up by police, who I managed to talk into taking me home to my husband.
And then Christmas came and it was too near for me to get oportunity being so busy.
Christmas was ok a little hyper but good.
and then it hit. Like I am on that oblivion ride at alton towers (vertical drop roller coaster) it realt felt like that. DEPRESSION
And I am so ASHAMED> I don't think I am invincible after all. I am just a fool. A fool for posting what I posted, a fool to think I was never ill. I am ILL. I will always be ILL.
And I hate new year the last two new years eve I have tried to kill myself with OD. This one I intend to sedate myself into oblivion. until I reach that next year. I won;t OD - it never works I know how to do the deed properly.
And I intend to carry out my plan this time, the plan that should have happened in Dec. The plan for 8th. It has to be the 8th. 8 Is my lucky number you see. I have appointment with prof on 7th but I won't go. The 8th Jan will be my birtday I don't want to make it into 29. If I go I will tell him, and he will convince me I will get better. Or force treatment on me.
As for 2010. I didn't get admitted. though I have had few scrapes. so that is good.
I can't fight this anymore, I half think I can't live with having bipolar, medication, hospital. I'm not strong enough for it. Those of you who have read for while know how difficult it gets. Be Happy For me. No more hurt, no late nights, no desperation, no police chases, no hospitals, no psychiatry, no suicde attempts, no crisis team. Just peace.
I may not blog again but I will find a way to let you know. To say goodbye. This lonely white box has been at times my only outlet and you my dear friends- my only support. xxx
I AM! yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish, an oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost
Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.
I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky.
John Clare
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The crap that no-one wants to step in (No picture attached)
I could say I was struggling here. But struggling doesn't cut it really. It's more passive than that. I have lost the will to struggle, I am drowning. I know I am but there is almost a calm aceptance of this. No resistance.
I am in some kind of hell, since my Mental Health Act assesment,
What happened was I spent the whole of last weekend unable to eat, sleep, wash, leave bed or talk really. All I wanted was for them to leave the house so I could use my noose or some pills or something to end the torment. Crisis rang, but I was unable to put in words my distress. then this week happened:-
Monday-
I packed my son off to my mums. Intending to kill myself. Except I sat for a few hours looking at the rope, and all I could see was my little boys face and how he was three on thursday and needed me there. So I decided I would live to see him turn three. However the intrusive thoughts got stronger so I knew I needed support. I tried ringing my care co-ordinator who wouldn't answer. So I figured it was due to the dispute over confidentiality. So I rang the MH team and asked for Duty worker, I spoke to someone who said I had to speak to A- my CC. I sent A several texts but no reply. I took some clonaz which helped little. approx four hours later she text saying no longer wished to act as my CC and need to speak to duty worker. I was pretty desperate by this stage and with no support rang crisis, who told me they could do nothing as they do out-of-hours calls only. I took more sleeping tablets and managed to blot the thoughts and day away. I had asked for support all day
none was fothcoming. I was suffering paranoia over leaving house so A and E not option.
Tuesday-
Someone from team comes round explains A will have nothing more to do with me. Not to contact her. Doesn't know when will get new CC. Says can contact duty worker. I explained this got me no where . He claims I never rang anyone. This leaves me feeling like the crap that no one wants to step in. Come to realisation even workers don't think I am worth helping. feelings of guilt, lead me to ring suicide line. I text CC to say I will make contact with GP as no support offered. No reply. Late tuesday get call saying someone will come see me on friday to take over CC role.
Wednesday- Heavily sedate myself and cry all day. Screaming, crying wanting to get out my own skin. Cursing my family and son for providing me with the guilt and reason to go on.
Thursday-
Son turns three. I made it. I manage to put on clothes and drive to park where I hide in car and toilets crying whilst husband, takes son on ride. Come home. Can't sleep. Wonder why CC can't even tell me, or answer phone to tell me she doesn't wants to work with me.
Friday- have son at home. New worker tries to call. I don't have energy or feel strong enough to speak to stranger. Mum comes and takes son to hers. I want to kill myself- give in- I feel relief. Nothing lefft to sedate these feelings. I decide to do it. but new worker comes round I answer door. She seems ok but don't have strength to let someone into my life. I explain that things won't get better, can't get better and I've given up fight. I explain that I was pretty low but CC refusal to at least work with me until new worker came along. My lack of support for week following MHA assesment and to do usual handover dual visit has intensified things. She tells me CC refuses to make contact. After she leaves mum brings son home.Husband gets in and I go bed.
Saturday (today) -
Wake up , receive letter from CC. Explaining that she can't work with me as I refuse to be honest and undermine her at every opportunity. See I knew I was bad and worthless. I try and write some kind of response. But extremeley upset.a Do explain that I don't want a new CC as they are never there when needed Feel like I am being kicked whilst down. And sink even lower. I am poison, everyone who comes into contact can see it no one wants to be around me. I am the crap that lingers on the sidewalk to be stepped around until some poor soul is lumbered with its disposal.
And that is where I am at now. I made it to see my son turn three. But I am too tired to soldier on. I have a plan now. It can't take effect until tuesday or this wednesday as I am not alone until that time. This is not illness talking it is a rational solution to a complex problem. I can't really write more because it may be read and used against me. But how hard the next few days will be.
And Atos want me to attend medical on monday, CC was supposed to attend that but is another thing she now is unable to do. No one can go with me. I can't go alone. And well it won't matter anyway. I wont live to see that benefit stopped. No one wants to live to be penniless- so its another nail.
P.S- Thank you for comments on previous posts which I read but am unable to reply to at present.
I am in some kind of hell, since my Mental Health Act assesment,
What happened was I spent the whole of last weekend unable to eat, sleep, wash, leave bed or talk really. All I wanted was for them to leave the house so I could use my noose or some pills or something to end the torment. Crisis rang, but I was unable to put in words my distress. then this week happened:-
Monday-
I packed my son off to my mums. Intending to kill myself. Except I sat for a few hours looking at the rope, and all I could see was my little boys face and how he was three on thursday and needed me there. So I decided I would live to see him turn three. However the intrusive thoughts got stronger so I knew I needed support. I tried ringing my care co-ordinator who wouldn't answer. So I figured it was due to the dispute over confidentiality. So I rang the MH team and asked for Duty worker, I spoke to someone who said I had to speak to A- my CC. I sent A several texts but no reply. I took some clonaz which helped little. approx four hours later she text saying no longer wished to act as my CC and need to speak to duty worker. I was pretty desperate by this stage and with no support rang crisis, who told me they could do nothing as they do out-of-hours calls only. I took more sleeping tablets and managed to blot the thoughts and day away. I had asked for support all day
none was fothcoming. I was suffering paranoia over leaving house so A and E not option.
Tuesday-
Someone from team comes round explains A will have nothing more to do with me. Not to contact her. Doesn't know when will get new CC. Says can contact duty worker. I explained this got me no where . He claims I never rang anyone. This leaves me feeling like the crap that no one wants to step in. Come to realisation even workers don't think I am worth helping. feelings of guilt, lead me to ring suicide line. I text CC to say I will make contact with GP as no support offered. No reply. Late tuesday get call saying someone will come see me on friday to take over CC role.
Wednesday- Heavily sedate myself and cry all day. Screaming, crying wanting to get out my own skin. Cursing my family and son for providing me with the guilt and reason to go on.
Thursday-
Son turns three. I made it. I manage to put on clothes and drive to park where I hide in car and toilets crying whilst husband, takes son on ride. Come home. Can't sleep. Wonder why CC can't even tell me, or answer phone to tell me she doesn't wants to work with me.
Friday- have son at home. New worker tries to call. I don't have energy or feel strong enough to speak to stranger. Mum comes and takes son to hers. I want to kill myself- give in- I feel relief. Nothing lefft to sedate these feelings. I decide to do it. but new worker comes round I answer door. She seems ok but don't have strength to let someone into my life. I explain that things won't get better, can't get better and I've given up fight. I explain that I was pretty low but CC refusal to at least work with me until new worker came along. My lack of support for week following MHA assesment and to do usual handover dual visit has intensified things. She tells me CC refuses to make contact. After she leaves mum brings son home.Husband gets in and I go bed.
Saturday (today) -
Wake up , receive letter from CC. Explaining that she can't work with me as I refuse to be honest and undermine her at every opportunity. See I knew I was bad and worthless. I try and write some kind of response. But extremeley upset.a Do explain that I don't want a new CC as they are never there when needed Feel like I am being kicked whilst down. And sink even lower. I am poison, everyone who comes into contact can see it no one wants to be around me. I am the crap that lingers on the sidewalk to be stepped around until some poor soul is lumbered with its disposal.
And that is where I am at now. I made it to see my son turn three. But I am too tired to soldier on. I have a plan now. It can't take effect until tuesday or this wednesday as I am not alone until that time. This is not illness talking it is a rational solution to a complex problem. I can't really write more because it may be read and used against me. But how hard the next few days will be.
And Atos want me to attend medical on monday, CC was supposed to attend that but is another thing she now is unable to do. No one can go with me. I can't go alone. And well it won't matter anyway. I wont live to see that benefit stopped. No one wants to live to be penniless- so its another nail.
P.S- Thank you for comments on previous posts which I read but am unable to reply to at present.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tears and resolutions
Today have been tearful. I remember once as a child my Dad would say whatever happens you must never cry. There was physical consequences for this but I won't discuss that here. For once though I am letting the tears flow, well not so much letting as being unable to stop them.
I went to Shrink appointment and managed not to cry there. I told him I had stopped meds for few days. I told him about the thoughts and my low mood. We have decided that I just take the Depakote if I like, until next week and not the Quetiapine. As for my sleep he has prescribed me Clonazepam which I think this will work as it did in hospital. We will review this next week. I can ring Crisis if things get worse.
My CC is coming round tommorow to collect all my old meds I have horded particularly the 40 Zolpidem that play on my mind. I know this is sensible but I just don't want to give them up. If things get too bad they are my last way to silence the thoughts. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like I need to have them there. Will try and do the right thing.
I went to Shrink appointment and managed not to cry there. I told him I had stopped meds for few days. I told him about the thoughts and my low mood. We have decided that I just take the Depakote if I like, until next week and not the Quetiapine. As for my sleep he has prescribed me Clonazepam which I think this will work as it did in hospital. We will review this next week. I can ring Crisis if things get worse.
My CC is coming round tommorow to collect all my old meds I have horded particularly the 40 Zolpidem that play on my mind. I know this is sensible but I just don't want to give them up. If things get too bad they are my last way to silence the thoughts. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like I need to have them there. Will try and do the right thing.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
How depression feels
When I’m depressed, I’m really depressed. There seems to be no half way house for me, I don’t feel slightly sad or slightly lethargic. I feel chew my own arm off and blow my brains out depressed. Except I have neither the appetite nor a shotgun at the moment.
When I am, as I have been, I am so earth-shatteringly low that I can’t even see ground zero. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep I can’t think and mainly I can’t talk which is explains my absence from blog land. I read something Plath wrote today about not making plans or bothering with life as after her teenage suicide attempt it was only ‘by accident that I am alive now’. That’s how I feel, I shouldn’t be alive, many would be dead having OD on my amounts and more importantly I don’t want to be. Sounds awful doesn’t it? I don’t want to be alive. Mainly, I don’t want to be ill, but to me the two are inevitably linked. To live, is to be ill, to be ill is to be this depressed and so the circle continues until I remove myself from that circle, the only way I know how.
I am alive though, despite all the odds this week I have had the pills I have counted the pills but I have not taken the pills. And I have to give some credit to my CC who visited twice for over an hour each time this week and talked me back from some bad places. But I won’t always have a CC and I don’t want to have to depend on someone to rationalise the crazy mess in my head. To tell me that I will get better and I DO want to live. I try to believe but each time, it gets a little harder.
I said goodbye to my GP who retires in ten days today. She has not been that competent but has been kind to me, and that’s counted for a lot. She said she’s sorry she didn’t get to see me recover. But, I’ve got a feeling that day wouldn’t come even if she was staying on. I am signed off until 4th December and if I don’t go back to work then I will be sacked. At the moment 4th December seems long way off, too long and I didn’t think I would be here this Thursday earlier this week, so who knows if I will be here in any form by this due date.
‘If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.’
Clifford Odets
When I am, as I have been, I am so earth-shatteringly low that I can’t even see ground zero. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep I can’t think and mainly I can’t talk which is explains my absence from blog land. I read something Plath wrote today about not making plans or bothering with life as after her teenage suicide attempt it was only ‘by accident that I am alive now’. That’s how I feel, I shouldn’t be alive, many would be dead having OD on my amounts and more importantly I don’t want to be. Sounds awful doesn’t it? I don’t want to be alive. Mainly, I don’t want to be ill, but to me the two are inevitably linked. To live, is to be ill, to be ill is to be this depressed and so the circle continues until I remove myself from that circle, the only way I know how.
I am alive though, despite all the odds this week I have had the pills I have counted the pills but I have not taken the pills. And I have to give some credit to my CC who visited twice for over an hour each time this week and talked me back from some bad places. But I won’t always have a CC and I don’t want to have to depend on someone to rationalise the crazy mess in my head. To tell me that I will get better and I DO want to live. I try to believe but each time, it gets a little harder.
I said goodbye to my GP who retires in ten days today. She has not been that competent but has been kind to me, and that’s counted for a lot. She said she’s sorry she didn’t get to see me recover. But, I’ve got a feeling that day wouldn’t come even if she was staying on. I am signed off until 4th December and if I don’t go back to work then I will be sacked. At the moment 4th December seems long way off, too long and I didn’t think I would be here this Thursday earlier this week, so who knows if I will be here in any form by this due date.
‘If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.’
Clifford Odets
Monday, October 27, 2008
Busy day, not sure if its that I have a lot to do or making things to do? Have already been out shopping, been to opticians, cleaned entire house, baked some bread and played guitar(which hasn't seen daylight for while) at the moment I am just going with the extra energy and seeing where it takes me. This afternoon making a Jamie oliver fish pie with fish I brought from fish market earlier. It is a week since I took what hopefully will be last overdose, in fact almost exactly a week to the hour that I was taken in an ambulance. I won't dwell on this as I am in a safe place now and don't want to risk losing my footing here. Seeing Care Co-ordinator in next hour, nothing much to discuss there, so may be fruitless visit.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Why?
Well feel like self induced crap today. Why? it's my word for the day. Why am I ill? Why aren't I better? Why did I take an overdose? Why did I ring CMHT for help? Why. Yes Why denial's identical twin.
Still a bit shaky today and didnt get any sleep despite meds. I also realise I lost a few hours between overdose and ambulance so not sure what happened there apart from thinking rocking horse was licking me??
I have just seen CC she doesn't know how to help me, doesn't understand me and doesn't know where I'm going(her words). Join the club love. But I am here blogging so at least I am not deemed a risk to myslf. Also apparently I am closed off so they find assesment difficult. I suppose the fact I never raise my voice, never cry never looked shocked and just usually nod etc means I am CLOSED OFF.
I don't know where I am heading, options either, dead, hospital or somehow something clicks and I start back on that road to recovery (just need directions to that road)
Anyway, rambling a bit, so will leave it there.......
Monday, October 20, 2008
Back at Hospital
Just come back from A and E having taken an overdose about 12:00 this lunchtime. Not wanting to sound like I am copying Seaneen or anything but this is not the first time and constant demon of mine. I took the sertraline and Zolpidem (most of them) but before could manage any more started being sick. Iller than I've ever been I couldn't stand I couldn't see aand was hallucinating I kept being sick despite the fact I hadn't ate for two days. Anyway called up CMHT who despite me saying I am overdosing no-one was available they would call back. Well they didnt. ten minutes later I rang again spoke to someone who did not offer me any support but did ring an ambulance.
On the way there in the ambulance the man who sat at back lectured me saying he hates seeing people under thirty with 'these problems' in here but bet will be seeing more of me. he also questioned scars on my arm - I just looked ashamed, never wanted ambulance in first place.
Waited hospital 6 hours, blood test etc and then duty Psych team - asked if I felt I could keep myself safe - to which I replied yes because a No would be an automatic section I think.
Now I have splitting headache, bad co-ordination and a dry mouth. Also they have now confiscated my tidy lot.
On the way there in the ambulance the man who sat at back lectured me saying he hates seeing people under thirty with 'these problems' in here but bet will be seeing more of me. he also questioned scars on my arm - I just looked ashamed, never wanted ambulance in first place.
Waited hospital 6 hours, blood test etc and then duty Psych team - asked if I felt I could keep myself safe - to which I replied yes because a No would be an automatic section I think.
Now I have splitting headache, bad co-ordination and a dry mouth. Also they have now confiscated my tidy lot.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Well I am over the worst of the 'I just can't go on' thoughts I think, although the Ideation is still strong. But I can feel a quietening of the voices telling me I'm a worthless crap, the world would be better place without me and I'm not strong enough to survive this (the voices being my own)
Yesterday I spent the whole day in town. Because I knew I'm still not safe alone, and because I need to face being in public, and the world again. It was ok, I did have a minor panic attack but I survived.
Today I am feeling very detatched. An outsider looking in on my life. I can;t control what I am doing, where I am heading I can only watch. I'm not sure this is a better place to be. But it is a safe place I think and that's ok.
These feeling has left me to think. Are we not all spectators in our own lives? Is our life already mapped out? and does it matter what decisions we make? does it not automatically run its course? I know this is a bit deep for a saturday morning. I don't really know, but I feel all efforts to control the direction of my life and in some ways the outcome have been fruitless. A psychologist would probably say right now that I am trying to shirk the responsiblity for my actions and avoid working to get better. Well maybe, but I am alive and maybe shirking is all I have.
I will be seeing my CC monday and will need to make decision whether to start on the Sodium Valproate they suggest. My initial reaction was no way. But then being so detatched has allowed me to look at the bigger picture. I can see how my illness effects those around me and maybe I need to try for them. I went to library yesterday and took out soem books on mental illness and medication which I will TRY and read today (mood allowing).
Yesterday I spent the whole day in town. Because I knew I'm still not safe alone, and because I need to face being in public, and the world again. It was ok, I did have a minor panic attack but I survived.
Today I am feeling very detatched. An outsider looking in on my life. I can;t control what I am doing, where I am heading I can only watch. I'm not sure this is a better place to be. But it is a safe place I think and that's ok.
These feeling has left me to think. Are we not all spectators in our own lives? Is our life already mapped out? and does it matter what decisions we make? does it not automatically run its course? I know this is a bit deep for a saturday morning. I don't really know, but I feel all efforts to control the direction of my life and in some ways the outcome have been fruitless. A psychologist would probably say right now that I am trying to shirk the responsiblity for my actions and avoid working to get better. Well maybe, but I am alive and maybe shirking is all I have.
I will be seeing my CC monday and will need to make decision whether to start on the Sodium Valproate they suggest. My initial reaction was no way. But then being so detatched has allowed me to look at the bigger picture. I can see how my illness effects those around me and maybe I need to try for them. I went to library yesterday and took out soem books on mental illness and medication which I will TRY and read today (mood allowing).
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
In wasted hours of blacken tear
I think how my life has ended here
Memories like dreams now hard to recall
Its as if I don't exist at all
I used to be like you a long time since
Before the shadows fell,
I used to love and be loved
Before I unconsciously created my hell
Now there is no more light
Days and nights blend into one
Now trapped and broken
Wondering where those dreams have gone
Flooding, consuming, waking thoughts
You haunt me so I half believe
You speak the truth, was I niave?
Time has no space I can't comprehend
One thing's start and another's end
Through hazy dusk I cant see at all
The stages of my rise and fall
I long to rest and reach the light
To belong once more to day and night
And crawl from beneath this stone
I'm coming back, I'm heading home
I think how my life has ended here
Memories like dreams now hard to recall
Its as if I don't exist at all
I used to be like you a long time since
Before the shadows fell,
I used to love and be loved
Before I unconsciously created my hell
Now there is no more light
Days and nights blend into one
Now trapped and broken
Wondering where those dreams have gone
Flooding, consuming, waking thoughts
You haunt me so I half believe
You speak the truth, was I niave?
Time has no space I can't comprehend
One thing's start and another's end
Through hazy dusk I cant see at all
The stages of my rise and fall
I long to rest and reach the light
To belong once more to day and night
And crawl from beneath this stone
I'm coming back, I'm heading home
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