These nights are killing me.

Saw CPN today she said how pleased she was that things were going better for me and how weell I seemed. And yes I am better, at least I am in the day. But it's these nights they're killing me. I can't sleep, I feel so anxious, I have to go out, I get up then sit down then get up...... I dance,cook,clean...

I think up ideas ..maybe I will go college in september, maybe I will get signed back on and go back to work earlier. Maybe I will look for new work, maybe I will start a business, become self employed.. Ideas that never take hold or come to anything.

I can't sleep, the Quetiapine doesn't render sleep anymore. I feel tired all day, but have my son to look after then when he is in bed and I could sleep, it's like somebody switches the lights on and this energy comes. Last night I took Diazepam and Lorazepam and still I didn't sleep. It's no wonder the days pass by like dreams, dreams that can be remembered only once you awake and are then forgotten forever. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I got this feeling, a feeling I can't describe a feeling something bad is lurking. A feeling I can't expell. An anxious feeling, a feeling of confusion. I just want to stop feeling and rest and sleep, but there never is any rest there never can be.

Err, can't stop these feelings, can't stop wanting to run, anywhere, can't stop this restlessness can't stop the thoughts, can't stop this crap blog post, can't stop wanting to stop. and so it goes on. I need to get out out of the house, out of my head, out of my life. ERRRRRRrrr.

Royal toilet paper and such.

Well the Depakote has started to give me some side-effects which I won't go into other than perhaps to say gastrointestinal. I am also getting quite bad stomach cramp and my co-ordination is off.

I am continuing to feel very anxious. I just had to stop myself buying a ticket to Edinburgh and if I didn't have my son I would be off anyway and everywhere like a shot. But I have responsibilities and that keeps me grounded. I guess I will have to settle for some more furniture arranging or something. Perhaps I will go out for drive or to one of those 24 hour supermarkets.

I am nearly out of meds as they gave me seven day supply and cant get into GP until wednesday so I am going to have to get an emergency appointment tommorow. This will involve ringing at 8.30 am and explaining why I need to be seen that day. And also why it has to be by the doctor I usually see. Not very rewarding particularly when I attend same receptionist gives me a look for not coughing and spluttering everywhere and not looking ill enough.

I can see more retail therapy on cards, maybe some new sofas. Part of me won't be happy until I have spent every last penny I have saved over last two years. But what is money except a piece of paper, no different from the one you wipe your arse on, except that the queens head happens to be on it. (actually would be more rewarding for her head to be on the other tyoe as well) but just my opinion.

I have now completed my christmas shopping, hurrah, I feel smugly organised and content, although perhaps wont be able to risk buying little extras, whilst the bank hasn't reclaimed my cards yet.

Opticians,Chemist, Town, Gym, Garage, Accidents and stuff

Busy day, went opticians, got prescription, been garage, went to town for 4 hours and been to gym. Just sat down for first time. But having spent the past few weeks doing not much else but staying in doors mostly sitting, it is a refreshing change.

My mum had an accident today fell out of loft and cracked head open had to go A and E, so that was a worry, however for once my brother offered to take her which was a relief on two accounts. Firstly, I have spent too much time up there recently, and secondly almost on a first name basis with the triage nurses, neither of which my mum knows about. I did slip up though as told her where to go to sign in etc and she said- how do you know? but think I managed to cover myself. I know you're probably wondering why I haven't told my mum. I have my reasons. Firstly, and quite sadly, I feel my mentalness would be a let down to her as out of my sibling I am the 'sucessful one' and secondly she tends to over-react. When she knew I was going up hospital to see cpn once she was sure I was being sectioned. If you think mentalness is nothing to be ashamed of then you tell that to the woman at the gym this evening who saw the scars on my arm and told me I was 'disgusting' - lucky for me and her I am in a place where I don't care what other people think only those close to me.

I digress, but sadly thoughts a little all over the place tonight.